Dear Uncle Howie:

I've just been asked to do a very strange favor. A totally hot ex-girlfriend of mine has asked to use my helicopter to free her ex-husband, who is being held hostage.

Should I rescue the guy, or what?

Karate King

Dear Karate King:

That depends on what you guys look like.

If he's better looking than you are, you're going to be the ugly ex-boyfriend, suckered into swooping in with your helicopter (and probably buying the gas for it, too) only to deliver this guy into your worried ex-girlfriend's outstretched arms. Loser.

On the other hand, if you're better looking, this is your chance to be the handsome, powerful hero swooping in to rescue the trapped little weakling in an incredible show of confidence. If that doesn't send your ex-girlfriend running back to you and showering you in kisses, so what? Your picture on the front page of the newspaper with the word HERO plastered over it will cause an army of pliant wenches to show up on your doorstep, and you will get the pick(s) of the litter.

Dear Uncle Howie:

I had a bad construction accident several months ago, which laid me up in a body cast. I'm home now, but I'm still in a head-to-toe body cast, laid up on the sofa. The only place on me that ain't covered in plaster is my crotch. You think some chick might wanna come by and blow me?

Couchweight

Dear Couchweight:

Fuck, no.

Dear Uncle Howie:

Did I mention that I'm supposed to get disability payments from the state forever and ever?

Couchweight

Dear Couchweight:

Oh, that's different. Try hitting up that skanky Neanderthal bitch Lulu in space #61.

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