Dear Uncle Howie:

I bought me a penis enlarger pump a couple years back. I pumped and pumped and pumped that thing until my dick and my right arm both were all sore and stiff and swollen. Plus, my dick turned all purpley-red after a while. Finally, the pump wore out and didn't work no more so I took it to the dumpster.

Is it true what I heard, that it ain't the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean? And if so, where can I get me some of that ocean motion?

Tiny

Dear Tiny:

Let me start out by saying I'm glad it's you and not me. It must totally suck to be cursed with a little dick like that. I can't even begin to imagine being hung like a tic-tac. I can imagine how chicks must crack up laughing any time you drop trou.

And no, it ain't true about it not being the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean. That's just some line somebody made up to make guys like you feel good. Kinda like that thing about more than a mouthful being a waste, which we all know was just made up to boost the morale of the ittybitty titty committee.

Ocean motion won't make you a better lover, it'll just make you seasick. Or worse, it'll make your date puke.

Dear Uncle Howie:

I ain't pretty. In fact, I'm often described as ugly, and sometimes as downright fugly. But I still gots feelings, and them feelings get hurt when some guy dares his friend to fuck me, or when some kid at the grocery store points at me and screams, "Mama, look! Somebody turned a big fat gorilla loose in the store!"

Maybe it would help if I went out and bought a long blonde wig and some expensive Lancome or Estee Lauder makeup at the cosmetic counter in the outlet center to pretty myself up real good. What do you think?

Neanderthal Chick

Dear Neanderthal Chick:

I think a blonde wig and makeup will make you look like a made-up gorilla wearing a wig.

You're going about this whole thing all wrong. Instead of trying to change your features to please others, why not just cut your losses and make your ugliness work for you and make you money? I hear Ringling Brothers pays their sideshow freaks real good.

If you're as ugly as you say, you got a job waiting for you in the circus sideshow tent as the Ape Woman. All you got to do is sit there in a cage in a tent while people walk by. When they make rude comments about your looks, you can grunt real loud and scare the shit out of them. You'll get paid for that in real, actual greenbacks. Plus, you don't have to piss-test to get a job with the circus.

Dear Uncle Howie:

I was at the outlet center the other day with a buddy of mine, and we seen a real live orangutan getting a makeover at the cosmetic counter. I double-dog-dared my buddy to fuck the orangutan, but he said no, and that if I wanted that orangutan to get fucked then I should fuck it myself. What do you think about that?

Wondering

Dear Wondering:

I think your buddy is a chickenshit who does not understand it's against the unwritten rules of being a guy to turn down a double-dog dare.

HOME