Dear Uncle Howie:

I think my roommate has gone mental. He's a relatively decent-looking guy, but recently he's hooked up with the ugliest--no, wait--the FUGLIEST woman I ever seen in my life. I swear, this chick looks like the ape-woman from a circus sideshow, only toothless. Plus she gots a demon kid that tears up the trailer any time he's here.

Normally I think love is a beautiful thing. But them paper-thin cheapie wood-panel trailer walls don't muffle the happy couple's beastly grunts and squeaks and howls for shit. I'm being robbed of what little sleep I get and it's pissing me off. What should I do?

Uncle Grumpy

Dear Uncle Grumpy:

Hey, I know you! You're Floyd, my roommate. You need to lighten up, dude. You've been a real grouch lately, and the bags under your eyes don't make you look any happier. The best cure for the type of insomnia you describe is a good set of earplugs. Maybe I'll give you a pair for Christmas.

As for your roommate's ugly girlfriend, I don't know what's possessed him. Maybe he's just happy being laid. Wait a minute, you're talking about Lulu, ain't you? Okay, I can definitely tell you that your roommate is just happy being laid, and he will grow tired of the cavewoman just as soon as he finds another chick to boink. Just hang in there, buddy.

Dear Uncle Howie:

I am head over heels in love with the man of my dreams. He's good to me, he's good to my kid, and despite my looks, he never puts a paper bag or pillowcase with eye-holes cut out of it over my head in the bedroom. I think he wants to ask me to marry him, but he may be afraid of rejection. How can I tell him I'm open to the idea of marriage, without sounding too pushy?

Neanderthal

Dear Neanderthal:

Whoa-whoa-whoa, hold your horses, now. What gives you the idea this guy actually wants to pop the question? Because he's nice to your kid and he can fuck you without putting a bag over your head first? Look lady, some guys are just naturally nice to women and kids, and maybe bad eyesight is the reason for the bagless fucks. Who knows? You might want to back off and give the guy some breathing room and see what happens. You know what they say, if you love something, set it free.

Dear Uncle Howie:

Hey you miserable redheaded thieving fuckwad, did you steal my new blue lighter?

Lighterless

Dear Lighterless:

No.

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