Dear Uncle Howie:

I've started forgetting things lately. It started with a misplaced dollar here and there. Then it was five dollars, then twenties. Just the other day, I found a $3,700 charge on my credit card to the auto dealership up the highway. I don't remember spending $3,700 at the auto dealership, or anyplace else for that matter. Do you think I might have Alzheimer's disease?

Absentminded

Dear Absentminded:

Hey, I know you! You're that crazy cat lady who lives in space #8.

I've got good news and bad news for you. First the good news: you don't have Alzheimer's. Now the bad news: you have a thieving motherfucking parasite living in your trailer. Everyone in the whole trailer park knows Willy's using you and stealing money from your purse.

You don't need to worry about that for long, though. Willy the parasite has his eye on a new host.

Dear Uncle Howie:

I thought I had snared the perfect man. He was nice to me, nice to my kid, and gainfully employed, too. Soon as I mentioned marriage to him, POOF he disappeared. I ain't seen him since. Do you think he'll come back?

Neanderthal

Dear Neanderthal:

Fuck, no. Sounds to me like you were smothering the dude and he squeaked out right in the nick of time.

Dear Uncle Howie:

Hey you miserable redheaded tweeker, I just checked my pay-owe sheet, and you still owe me from that teener I fronted you for Thanksgiving. I ain't fronting you no more meth until you pay up. Am I gonna have to send the enforcer?

Dealer

Dear Dealer:

I was gonna pay you out of the money I get for writing my advice column. You don't have to send Maddog.

HOME