Dear Uncle Howie:

There's one question that's burning in my mind, and I don't think I'm the only person curious about this. I'm hoping you can answer it for me and anyone else who's wondered: How does President George Dubya Bush pronounce the word nucleus?

We all know how he pronounces the word nuclear as nukular. Nuclear science is all about the nucleus. Nuclear weapons involve blowing apart the nucleus of an atom. Nuclear radiation comes from subatomic particles falling off a decaying nucleus. Even nuclear medicine has a nucleus involved--the cell nucleus and the DNA contained therein.

Somebody ought to get the president to say the word nucleus on TV in front of everyone, and see if he pronounces it nucleus or nukulus. It'd be easy to get him to holler the word right into that bouquet of microphones sprouting from the podium. Next time the topic of stem-cell research comes up, accuse the president of not even knowing what part of the cell contains DNA.

Smartypants Rugmonkey

Dear Smartypants:

Hey, I know you! You're that little girl who lives in space #61 and is waaaaaay too smart for this trailer park. I heard you're a genius. I also heard Maddog's your dad. That can't be true. I could barely understand half the long words you wrote up there, and Maddog's job is to pummel people flat when they don't pay DJ the dope dealer. If Maddog's your dad, then I feel sorry for any dude who shows up to your trailer to take you out on a date, even though that ain't gonna happen for another 10-12 years.

That said, I think you asked a great question. It got me wondering about how the president pronounces the root word of the word he's famous for mispronouncing.

Unfortunately, I don't know the president personally. I don't even know anyone who knows him. Maybe somebody reading my advice column will see your letter and understand it better than me, and trick the president into saying the word nukulus in front of the whole world on TV.

Dear Uncle Howie:

I just moved here. What I'd like to know is, who's that hot chick in space #50? And is that dipshit in a firesuit who keeps showing up to her trailer her retarded brother or something? I heard he's a pervert. Do you think the hot chick would be interested in a guy who drives a trailer-moving rig for a living? If she's into daredevils, I'm also a demolition-derby driver at the local racetrack.

Johnny Come Lately

Dear Johnny:

That hot chick in space #50 is spoken for by the perverted dipshit in a firesuit. But if the dipshit's past is any indication of his future, he'll fuck it all up before long. He's known around here as the trailerpark pervert. In fact, everyone is surprised he's hung onto that chick for as long as he has. If I was you, I'd go ahead and ask her out.

Dear Uncle Howie:

Hey you miserable redheaded apple-cart-tipping motherfucker. Did you tell that racecar driver to ask out my girlfriend?

Peeved Pervert

Dear Pervert:

Yes.

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