Dear Uncle Howie:

A lot of weird shit has happened to me lately. First, I thought I'd found a nice guy finally. We seemed to have a lot in common, and we had a lot of fun together. Then, right when I least expected it, he was arrested for peeping under women's dresses by standing under the glass elevator at the mall. I checked further, and he's got a rapsheet a mile long, all for peeping. I promptly dumped the guy and haven't looked back.

It gets weirder. Lately, my next-door neighbor has been sitting on his porch, staring at me and drooling with the most godawful expression on his face. If I wasn't convinced the guy was retarded, I'd think he was having lecherous thoughts about me. What do you think of all this?

Concerned

Dear Concerned:

Hey, I know you! You're that girl midget who lives right next door to Welcome Wagon Willy.

First of all, your ex-boyfriend Jingo used to make his living as a circus midget. Out of all those times he got shot out of that cannon, you know he did his share of headers into solid objects in the circus tent. This may explain Jingo's compulsion for peeping up women's skirts. There ain't much anyone can do about that, shy of throwing him in jail every now and again when he pisses off women who don't want him looking up at their panties.

As far as the pervert next door to you is concerned, he ain't drooling because he's retarded. He's drooling because he is, as a matter of fact, having lecherous thoughts about you. My advice would be to somehow make it unpleasant for him to peep at you.

Dear Uncle Howie:

Oh, woe is me. I had the perfect girlfriend -- really super nice, a great cook, shorter than me, with giant knockers, etc. -- but I blew it by giving in to an uncontrollable compulsion. Any time my behavior has landed my ass in jail and ultimately in court, I could plead insanity and get off with a slap on the wrist.

However, when I tried to plead insanity for my behavior to my lady, she told me to go fuck myself, then she slammed the door in my face. The court enforces the law, and the court just sends me to therapy any time I get busted for looking up women's dresses. Is my lady friend also required by law to let me off with a slap on the wrist because I'm insane?

Little Nutty

Dear Nut:

Fuck no. Although your attic truly is filled to the rafters with batshit, your lady friend is not required by law or anything else to let you get away with that kind of behavior. As a matter of fact, even if the law stated the insane are to be forgiven for everything they do no matter what, your lady friend still wouldn't have to let you off, because as far as I know, women are above the law.

Dear Uncle Howie:

Hey you miserable redheaded meddling motherfucker. Did you tell my cute little next-door neighbor to pull her garden hose through her trailer and squirt me with it every time I peep into her bedroom window?

Hosed down

Dear Hosed:

No.

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