by Arliss Feral in space #54

A really strange thing happened here in prison. Not that strange things don't happen all the time in here -- they do. But this is just so, you know, freakin' YIKES.

Eddie from space #29 is in here. When his trailer exploded, it sure did fuck up his face. It fucked up his whole goddamn HEAD. Remember Eddie's classic trailerpark mullet hairdo? FRIED. Fried right off his head.

The back of Eddie's hair got singed off clear up to his neck and ears. All he's got left is singed fringe in the back, and it's completely burnt off in the front. I mean all his hair from the ears forward is GONE, and it don't look like that mullet of his will EVER grow back.

All I have to say is you've got to see Eddie. He's totally bald and all red from the ears forward. At least he don't need to worry about all them little pockmarks on his face and neck no more. That all got burnt smooth in the blast. The little dude's head can only be described as flash-broiled.

You wouldn't recognize little Eddie, I swear. I went to the hospital to give him a ride home one day last month. I walked right into his hospital room, saw some burned up little red guy laying in the bed the nurses told me I'd find Eddie in, and I turned tail and left. I figured Eddie must have already got a okay-to-book and the hospital gave Eddie's old bed to some severely burnt up little red hairless dude.

Jeez, I feel like such a shitheel. I had no idea that strange little fry guy laying in that bed was Eddie. I was wondering why a guy I never seen before in my life started ripping a I.V. out of his own goddamn arm. His left arm was chained to the hospital bed, and after he got that I.V. out, he kept pointing at the handcuffs anchoring him to his hospital bed and screaming, "Bolt cutters, bolt cutters, bolt cutters!" over and over.

I can tell you one thing right now, and this comes from the heart. Eddie ain't never getting laid for free again as long as he lives. NEVER EVER EVER. Not with THAT face. I swear Eddie would make the perfect poster child for birth control right now. That little dude has a whole birth control FACE. And birth control hair to match.

None of the other inmates here will even adopt Eddie as their bitch. If little Eddie can't even get laid in a prison full of desperate men with no scruples, some of whom have been locked up for a really long time, then he ain't NEVER getting laid for free on the outside again. Not even if he's armed with fistfuls of hundreds. You won't be able to pay a chick enough to do Eddie. Not even a blind one. His face looks like it would even FEEL weird. Poor little guy.

Eddie wouldn't even have a place to take chicks anyways, even if he hadn't got burnt to shit. What's he gonna do? Try to convince some chick to get naked with him on that pile of blowed-up rubble that used to be his trailer?

On a unrelated subject: Eddie said he heard from Donnie Dorque that our dog Humpy's a narc. What's up with that? How the fuck can a dog be a narc? I think Donnie's full of shit. Humpy's always been cool, and he'd never narc on us.

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