by Chuck Bodell, owner of the field next door

I'd like to know what's going on out there on my property. Every time I show up, there's something rotten or stinky or burnt or just plain WEIRD laying around on the ground.

I bought that property a year ago because it was a pleasant little chunk of land. I thought it might be a good place to build my dream home.  Over the past year, however, that property has gone more and more downhill every time I've checked on it.  The property was in good condition last spring when I bought it. I can't imagine what could have happened to it since then, but I got my suspicions.  All my suspicions involve Tinbox Acres residents.

Last summer, I noticed that my property was beginning to emit a foul odor. I'd walk through my field, and everywhere I stepped smelled like shit. And the dirt was all dug up, like a bunch of gophers got their hands on some cheap booze and started building a bunch of tunnels but didn't finish any. The dirt was particularly ravaged around the bushes in the field.

Fortunately, it started raining hard back in November, and the shit stink washed away and it hasn't come back since. Thank God for violent rainstorms. Those heavy rains also beat the ground back down to where it's more normal looking instead of being all torn up like that.

After the rain packed the dirt back down and washed all the shit-stink away, all of a sudden a whole bunch of great, big, knobby truck tires got flung all over my property. Some of those tires even looked scorched, like some idiot lit them on fire before flinging them onto my land.

No matter what I've been told by some of you Tinbox Acres residents, it was NOT space aliens making "crop circles" in my field. For one thing, there are no crops in that field, only a hodgepodge of weeds and randomly scattered scrub bushes. Secondly, crop circles are formed by FLATTENING the crops, not by burning them. And finally, the only "crop circles" anyone found were under the scorched tires.  

What's with the mattresses? What the fuck are all those nasty, dirty, decimated mattresses doing in my field? I'm not EVEN going to try to figure that out. Not now, anyway. I got bigger fish to fry.

Something good did come out of your blatant attempts to vandalize my property. Whoever committed arson on my weeds down by the duckpond might have just made me a rich man. No shit.

While I was surveying the damage you fuckwads did to my property, I noticed a great, big burnt patch of weeds right at the shoreline to the duckpond. Know what was revealed when the weeds burnt away? A gigantic prehistoric gorilla fossil, probably of the extinct genus, Egyptopithecus. At least, that's what the ape-fossil guy from the University said he thought it looked like.

That ape-fossil guy said the fossil in my field has all the hallmarks of an extinct gorilla. Gorillas that are alive today have many of the same traits their ancestors, like Egyptopithecus. Gorillas and their Egyptopithecine ancestors both had a huge barrel belly and a flat nose and hunky eyebrow bones, all of which were identified on my fossil. Plus, Egyptopithecus tipped the scales at 250-400 pounds. The ape-fossil guy said this one was a good 350-pounder, probably a mature male. When this ancient gorilla was alive, he likely had a light flocking of silver hair down his back, like the Silverback Gorillas of today.

I wonder how much that big old gorilla fossil is worth. I hope I can sell it for a gazillion dollars on e-bay. But I have to get a credit card first. They don't let you post shit on e-bay without a credit card. Maybe I'll score a credit card by the time the ape-fossil guy from the University gets my gorilla all dug out of the ground. I'll just run an ad in the 'For Sale' section of the paper, I guess.

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