by Carl Bailey, psych facility escapee in space #1

It sure has been a fun month, ain't it? Productive, too.  

When I was still a inmate in the psych facility, everybody had to go to this thing called "group." That's where a whole bunch of us inmates would sit in a circle around the doctor, who would ask questions that we had to answer in front of everyone or get a time-out. Group has its ups and downs. While you're forced to bare your soul to a bunch of screwballs that ain't all there, at the end you get to do this thing called a "group hug" right before you get to leave and go have lunch and a smoke break.

Group hugs are totally kickass, especially if you get to hug a girl. The best way to arrange this is just to sandwich yourself between a couple of chicks during group. That way, when they get to the group-hug part, all you got to do is reach out and grab the closest person to you. If you're already in between a couple of females, the closest person to you will be a chick and not a dude. To get the most out of a group hug, grab the closest chick and squeeze hard. That will cause her tits to smoosh up against your chest.

Okay, back to the point I was trying to make before I got sidetracked thinking about nuthatch titties all smooshed up against me. One thing the doctor kept telling us over and over in different words during all them group therapy sessions was how important it is to get rid of your obstacles. I never really understood what obstacles the doc was talking about until I got that electric scooter.

When you're on foot, you really don't notice obstacles. But get on a scooter and hit the gas, and all of a sudden there's obstacles everywhere. Pretty much anything that makes you have to turn or slow down counts as a obstacle when you're riding a scooter.

Some obstacles will get out of your way before you even reach them. Pedestrians are a good example. If you make a run at 'em fast enough with wild enough hair flying around behind you and a big toothy smile on your face and a criminally insane look in your eyes, pedestrians will jump out of your path. Sure, they scream and cuss at you while you're riding away, but the wind muffles the screeching pedestrian, and if you pay attention as you're riding away, you get to experience this thing called the "Doppler effect."

Probably the worst kinds of obstacles to a electric scooter would be speedbumps. Well, actually gopher holes would be the absolute WORST, but we're talking about paved surfaces here. Nobody, not even a psych facility escapee like me, goes off-roading on a electric scooter more than once.

I decided to take the doc's advice and get rid of my obstacles. So I went over to Rogelio's Quick-E-Mart and bought me a whole shitpile of dynamite. It said on the package that the dynamite was for removing old dead tree stumps. The directions said to use one stick for one large stump. I figured if one stick would decimate a big fat tree stump, then two sticks ought to be enough to rip a whole speedbump out, roots and all.

Well, I was right. All I had to do was poke a couple dynamite-stick-sized holes in the dirt at the midpoint of the speedbump, and insert the dynamite. Then I'd light the fuses and RUN LIKE HELL and hide in the laundry room until I heard a ka-BLAM! When I walked outside, voila! One obstacle gone, 49 to go.  

I blew up a second speedbump and was just digging the holes under the third one when the cops showed up. I ran and hid in the laundry room and didn't get caught. That's when I figured out that I could blow two obstacles out of my path per night before the cops showed up. By the end of the month, I'd eliminated all my obstacles without getting busted once. Doc would be sooooo proud of me, I just know it.

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