by Anil Roberts, proselytizing goofball in space #73

The Good Lord works in mysterious ways, don't He? Why, just last month, God took a break from torturing trailer parks and done something nice for Tinbox Acres. Of course, I'm talking about the free cable TV.

Now, you all might say it was that retarded kittycat of Dot's that climbed the power pole and started batting at all them wires and cables hanging off the top. You could say it's because the cat hooked a claw or three into a live power line, and it blew up whatever it is that keeps us all from getting cable TV. But I know better. I seen it.

I was standing right across the driveway from the power pole when God heaved a humongous lightning bolt right at it. Yep, that's right. The power pole blowed up 'cause it got hit by a bolt throwed by the hands of God Almighty Himself. The cat just happened to be up there when it happened.

Now, you're probably all wondering why God wouldn't just wave His magic wand and POOF! Tinbox Acres gets free cable TV and none of His creatures has to fry on top of a power pole and stink up the whole trailer park with scorched cat hair. It's just one of them strange and mysterious things that God does to keep us on our toes. Heaving down a bolt of lightning and sending a gazillion volts of electricity through an eight-pound critter, and then suddenly we all got cable TV is pretty danged strange and mysterious.

I know for a fact it was God what gave us the free cable TV because He sent His only son, Jesus, to us just last month. I found Our Lord and Saviour passed out right next to the duckpond. He's been recovering on my couch ever since.

I used to think that cable TV was sinful, on account of all them nekkid womenfolk on there and all that. But you know what? Cable porn must not be all that much of a sin, if at all. Jesus Christ Himself seems to be getting a big fat hairy kick out of it. That's all He ever watches, I swear to God. The Lord even refers to late-night Cinemax as "Skinemax." The only complaints I've heard out of Jesus are, "The whack channels are too softcore," and, "Don't these morons know what a close-up lens is?"

Another thing I used to think was evil is liquor. Devil's juice, that's what I used to call it. But Jesus drinks like a fish. In fact, He can outdrink any human I ever met. But He ain't exactly a human, is He? He's a angel. A angel who pounds cheap hooch and watches cable porn 24-seven and stinks up my couch and trailer.

God does work in strange and mysterious ways.  Downright freakazoid sometimes, I tell you what. For one thing, I don't understand why God would give Tinbox Acres free cable TV, then send His only son down to introduce me to the joys of cable porn, and not send the very best porn available for His boy to watch. The way Jesus complains about the lack of action, I almost get the impression God might have sent us the wrong porn channel.

You know, God may very well be crazy as a shithouse rat, but we all gots to answer to Him eventually. I for one ain't taking NO chances.

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