by Dot the crazy cat lady in space #8

This past month has been nothing but chaos, I tell you, chaos!

I suppose I should have expected things to get chaotic when I took the chickenwire off.  I'd planted a whole gardenful of nothing but catnip over in the corner of my yard back in February, and the catnip plants was all growed in good and the whole ground under the chickenwire was blanketed in catnip plants.

Not a half hour had passed when every last one of my cats went batshit, all eight of them. Most of them just got a major case of the cat-crazies and got all wild-eyed, chasing hallucinated vermin and each other around the trailer. Knickknacks was flying everywhere. Dishes got knocked off the counter and exploded into ceramic shards on the kitchen floor.  

Does anyone other than me have any idea what it's like to be in the same room with eight cats wasted on catnip? It was like eight Tasmanian devils, only a whole lot more agile and flexible, and armed with claws and teeth.

There was cats skeetering all over the trailer, bouncing off all the furniture and countertops and entertainment center, knocking the phone and the TV, among other items onto the floor. Then the bed got popped.

I got a bad back. Regular mattresses like what you'd get at the Goodwill or the Salvation Army just don't do it for me. I toss and turn all night. Since I ain't got the money for one of them As Seen On TV Temper-something body-molding mattresses, I gotta settle for a air mattress.

Despite the fact that I dug deep and splurged on a extra-sturdy, steel-belted radial, damn-near bulletproof camping mattress, my kitty Winston managed to pop it. Poor little guy was loaded out of his mind on catnip, and mistook my air mattress for his cat tree.

Winston hooked his claws in that mattress and yanked, releasing a canned hurricane directly into his face and drove him out into the yard. He didn't stop until he almost ran head-on into Edgar the maintenance guy's toolshed over on the other side of the yard.

I was laying on the bed when it exploded. I heard this pop-pop-pop as Winston tried to sharpen his claws. Before I could holler, "Winston!" the air mattress went BWOOOOM and I sunk to the box springs. I looked up to see a kitty's gray stripey ass headed out the door and across the yard at a high rate of speed.

Too bad they don't make something that affects humans like catnip affects cats. But then again, maybe not. If there was such a plant as peoplenip, I suppose folks would be leaping off barstools. I, for one, am way too old and dignified to be leaping off no barstools.  I did enough of that shit last Easter when I accidentally made a huge batch of magical-mushroom spaghetti sauce.

I wonder if catnip works on cats the way magical mushrooms work on people?

HOME