by Jingo the circus midget in space #99

When the guy who sold me my trailer down there on the shore of the duckpond said I'd have a view, he wasn't kidding.

A couple Sundays ago, I got up to pee around 4:30 in the morning. I heard some kind of commotion going on outside, out toward the duckpond. So I parted the bedsheet curtains on that side of the trailer and peeped out. I couldn't believe my eyes.

There was a couple fucking each others' lights out right there in the duckpond. I mean, there was waves sloshing all over the place and it sounded like a porno-flick turned up full blast out there. It woke up all the ducks, and they was quacking their asses off, just adding to all that racket.

I grabbed my binoculars from off the top of the TV and went in for a closer look. The guy was all covered in body hair and tattoos, and the chick was damn near toothless and just plain ugly. Both of 'em was covered in a thin film of algae and duckshit.

Right then old lady Beadle showed up with that chihuahua of hers. The pooch barely got himself in a dumping position when Miz Beadle turned around and ran back up the driveway, yanking that dog out of his squat and sending him through the air in an arc with the radius of the small, gold dogchain tethering him to Miz Beadle's wrist. The pooch landed right by her feet and both dog and master skedaddled back to the trailer.

Now, I don't know this for sure,  but I got my suspicions it was old lady Beadle what called the cops on the ugly couple fornicating in our duckpond. Not five minutes after the old lady and her chihuahua hightailed it past my trailer, cop lights came twinkling down the driveway towards the duckpond.

I didn't really need the binoculars to see what all happened next, but I used 'em anyways. It just brought everything up close and personal. The cops all trained their spotlights and flashlights right at the suspects.

Not only did I get to watch the happy couple get hauled out of the duckpond stark nekkid, I got to see the expressions on their faces, thanks to my binoculars and all the cop lights. You know? They was actually surprised. Apparently everyone in the whole trailer park seen the cops coming. Everyone except for the couple in the duckpond, that is.

Of course, as the cops passed each one of our trailers and didn't stop at ours, we all went outside to see what done attracted the cops in the first place. I'm no exception. By the time the cops slowly rolled up to the duckpond with all their lights on at once, a large throng of us had gathered within viewing distance of the commotion.

I ran outside to join the crowd with my binoculars strapped around my neck. I'm never doing that again. Shit. I about got strangled when the cops turned the K9 officer loose and ended up carrying the suspects out of the duckpond and wrestling them into the backseat cages in the cruisers. I'm a fucking midget, fer chrissakes, and that strap got yanked up on my throat every time someone grabbed the binoculars for a look-see.

I guess in a way we all sort of asked for that spontaneous warrant roundup. The cops seen us all standing at the top of the driveway overlooking the duckpond, and with the usual few of us impeding police action, and next thing you know, our driver's licenses and state ID cards was being swiped through card-readers in cruisers everywhere. Even the chick in the pond with Dick had warrants.

Even though a bunch of us got hauled in and booked, this whole fiasco has a funny ending. It turns out the chick Dick was with is named Jane. Like those Dick and Jane books from back in first grade or whatever. Remember those? They were full of easy-to-read sentences like "See Dick ball Jane," or something like that.

Anyways, we're all still laughing over it. Everyone except Dick and Jane.

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