by Welcome Wagon Willy in space #38

It ain't fair. I had dibs on Maudine. I seen her first.

And after I wasted all them expensive candies and flowers and cigarettes and beer and other offerings on her, none of which she ever accepted. All she ever done was tell me she didn't want to be with ANYONE, then she'd call the cops on me for stalking. Russell Stover candies ain't cheap, you know. I gotta turn in a whole Hefty trash bag full of cans at the recycling center just for one medium-sized box.

I got dibs. The instant Maudine decided she wanted to be with someone, I was supposed to be that someone.  Not some Johnny-come-lately cop. I gots a firesuit, and firemen are supposed to be way sexier than cops. Everyone knows that. Has anyone ever seen a shirtless cop calendar? No. Maudine was mine, whether she agreed with that or not. I got dibs.

It was Marshal's fault I ended up on the roof of my trailer in the first place. It ain't because the cops hauled me away and left him unsupervised to play with my Maudine. It ain't because he's a helluva lot better looking than I am, neither. It also ain't because he gots a nicer uniform, no matter what Fatty Daddy and Elvis and Maddog and Jingo the midget and old lady Beadle go bleating  all over the trailer park.

I got up there on my roof because I seen Marshal show up to Maudine's porch with a big expensive bouquet of pink roses. She come waltzing out of her trailer all dressed to the nines. Then the two of them got into Marshal's shiny non-dented pickup truck and they took off on a real live date. Upon returning, instead of just kissing Maudine's hand and departing like a real gentleman would have, he followed her into the  trailer. Then the blinds got closed.  

I had no choice but to throw on my firesuit, hat and goggles, and get up on the roof of my trailer and bawl my eyes out in protest. I had dibs on Maudine; I seen her first. Not this fucking Marshal-come-lately. He must have heard me out there on my roof, because he stormed out of Maudine's trailer, climbed onto my roof, chased me to the edge, and pushed me off into Pearline and Earline's flowerbed.

Marshall then climbed back down the ladder and I looked up when a big shadow blocked the porchlight. It was Maudine's new beau making terrorist threats against me. Marshall said he was gonna rip my eyeballs out and show them to me if I ever even LOOKED at Maudine ever again. Then he skulked back across the driveway, re-entered Maudine's trailer, and shut the door.

That's when I creeped across the driveway and peeped in to see what was going on in there.

You know, if you commit a felony, you get locked up. At least for overnight, you do. And if you commit a felony against a cop, you face life in prison or worst. Assault will get you arrested, but assault a cop, and you ain't getting out for a real, real long time. If EVER. You just ain't supposed to commit felonies against the police. Period.

Lewd acts is a felony. It's a BIG felony. I been convicted of it enough times to know, and barely squeaked out of it a few times more. If that Marshal dude really is a cop, then what I seen going on when I was peeping through Maudine's bedroom window can only be described as lewd acts against a police officer. Of course, I freaked out and started beating on the window.  

When Maudine heared my fist hammering on her bedroom window, she pointed at me and said something to Marshal. He got up and threw on Maudine's bathrobe and runned outside in it.

Next thing I knew, I got locked in a jail trailer by a big muscley barefoot cop in a pink fuzzy bathrobe with chest and belly hair sticking out the front, and buttcheeks pooching out back. It was a insult. Then that asshole went and stomped back over to Maudine's trailer next door and he didn't come out until it was time to turn me loose in the morning.

No matter how much you love somebody, sometimes you just hafta call the cops on 'em. It's called "tough love." And when you witness a felony, you are required by law to report it. So, upon my release, I done my civic duty.  I borrowed Marshal's cell phone and dialed 911 and reported all the lewd acts against a police officer that I seen through Maudine's window the previous night.

The cops did show up. First they talked to me, and then  they talked to Marshal, then to Maudine. When all the cops' questions was answered, I ended up riding away caged in the back of a cruiser   because I ain't cop  and Marshal is. It ain't fair. It just ain't fair. I called dibs on Maudine. I seen her first.

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