by Kevroy Gordon, new neighbor in space #93

Hooooooo-doggie, is this place hopping or what? I never seen this much action in all my life, not even when I was shacked up with that buckwild Latina chick named Loopy.

I never could understand a word out of Loopy's mouth. But she was great in the sack and she could drink me under the table, so I put up with her flinging dishes and hollering at me in some foreign lingo from the mid '90s all the way up until a couple weeks ago, when I moved into space #93.

I had just got myself settled into my trailer and had unpacked all my shit and put it all where it should go. I looked out the sliding glass door to check out the view, when up walks this ratty, scrawny kid maybe 19 or 20 years old.

The skinny kid grabs them pieces of plywood that was leaning up against the trailer next door and hauls them around to the side facing my trailer. Then he started building something onto the trailer next door. When the kid got the whole side facing my trailer sealed off except for one wall, he took off and came back a few minutes later carrying a bucket of black paint and a paintbrush.

When he returned, the kid squatted down over the last hunk of plywood with the bucket and brush, and scrawled 91 in real huge drippy black letters with the paintbrush. Then he got inside that plywood enclosure, pulled that last board up, and nailed it into place.

I just figured there must have been another door on the other side of the trailer. But no. The kid had effectively sealed himself inside that trailer. The kicker is, it ain't even his trailer. Although the whole thing looked a bit weird, I didn't think too much of it until my actual next-door neighbor arrived to find his trailer all boarded up like that.

I had just sat my ass in the Lazy-Boy and cracked open a beer when I heared somebody hollering and beating on the new plywood enclosure next door. That turned out to be my next-door neighbor Maddog, and he was pissed at the guy sealed in his trailer. Maddog pounded all over that plywood, and even tried grabbing the corners and yanking, like he was trying to pull that whole enclosure apart with his bare hands.

Finally it occurred to him that there was still windows on the other sides of the trailer, so he peeped in through the kitchen window and seen the perpetrator who sealed up his home in there. Maddog throwed open the kitchen window and I watched him disappear headfirst into it. Then I heared somebody get the shit beat out of 'em. Then I heared someone shooting something. Then I heared sirens, and right after that, the cops and firetrucks and a ambulance showed up.

This one cop in SWAT gear crawled up outside that open kitchen window and throwed something into the kitchen. I expected to see a big flash and hear a ka-BANG, or suddenly see smoke billowing out of every orifice in that trailer. But no. All the cop throwed in the window was a cell phone. Then they called the number.

After talking to both that scrawny kid and Maddog on the phone, I seen the kid come out the kitchen window headfirst and feetlast, with Maddog gingerly passing the kid to emergency personnel. The kid rode away in the ambulance, but he weren't in critical condition or nothing like that 'cause I seen him limping around the trailer park all bandaged up later that same day.

But not before the chicks showed up.

This is where it starts getting hairy. These two chicks, one toothless but relatively normal-looking otherwise and one biker dyke came stomping up to the next-door neighbor's boarded-up trailer. The biker dyke started hollering for Maddog to come out right now if he knows what's good for him. The toothless one was hollering for Andy, who was up the highway at Buzzards bar at the time and missed the entire incident.

The toothless one acted like a normal, pissed-off chick. She stood there hollering Andy's name over and over, like this, "Aaaaaandeeeeeeeeeeee! Aaaaaaaandeeeeeee!" with a red face all covered in tears and snot. The biker dyke was trying to rip the plywood enclosure off with her bare hands, exactly like Maddog had done less than a hour earlier. In fact, she even grabbed hold of the exact same corner and started yanking on it exactly like Maddog did.

The biker dyke done give up on trying to rip Maddog's trailer apart finally. Then the other chick   picked up a bunch of fist-sized rocks and put them in her apron, and the biker dyke grabbed them one at a time and started heaving them at the trailer. Both chicks was hollering about how them fellers better un-barricade themselves and come outside to talk about BABYSITTING, of all things. Funny, yes. But them chicks wasn't laughing.

Finally, when no one emerged from the trailer in space #91, the womenfolk done give up and stomped  back up the driveway to their own trailer. But they came right back. Maybe they just went home to pee.

I ain't about to go hightailing it out of the trailer park over a minor ruckus next door, though. Crazy as all that shit was, it's baby aspirin compared to living with Loopy, that hollering buckwild crazy dish-throwing ex of mine, I tell you what.

HOME