by Dot's new husband Tod in space #8

Where am I?  Is that a ceiling up there? How did this ring get on my finger? Why are all these cats staring at me? Is there a kitchen emitting delicious smells nearby? I just can't seem to figure out how the hell I got here.

Here's what I remember. I remember mooching change in the parking lot at Boozapalooza. I remember some obviously upset little Asian dude with a beeping, buzzy voice run out of the market and demand that  I "stop roitering and reave ploperty." That's exactly what he said. I know because every time I said, "What?" he repeated the exact same thing.

I remember a lady showing up in the middle of all this. She said, "Howdy, Hung," to the little Asian dude, who gave me a evil look and followed the lady back into the store. Some time later, I have no idea how long because I was shitfaced, the lady came back out.

She seen me standing there mooching change and asked me something, I can't remember what. Then she took me home.

Somehow I ended up in a shower. After that, I wore a purple sweatsuit while my filthy old duds took a trip through a clothes washer and dryer.

There weren't no power in that trailer, but who gives a shit. There was hot water. To a homeless dude like me, hot water is nectar of the Gods. And that hot water lasted FOREVER. I didn't get out until the skin on my hands and feet looked like pink raisins.

I didn't even know my feet was pink under all that dirt. PINK. Can you believe it?

Anyways, I ended up sacked out with the lady. I think I might have told the lady I could fix electricity or something. In fact, I think that's the reason she brung me home with her in the first place. But even the most agile electrician on the planet ain't gonna be able to bring the power back to just one trailer when the whole damn trailer park lost power to a lightning bolt.

I think the lady kept me around because it was cold with no power. I explained about how even a licensed electrician can't reverse a act of God -- and you gotta admit a bolt of lightning counts as a act of God -- so she wasn't too pissed at me for not bringing her power back.

But then things started getting weird.

Of course, the lady and I have been boinking each other's lights out. It keeps you warm, haha. Everything went along great until this preacher dude showed up on the porch.

The preacher dude convinced the lady that God would rather watch us die of frostbite than to watch us fornicate like we obviously was. I don't know why that preacher gave a shit about what we was doing behind closed doors and under covers with the cats locked out of the room and the lights out. So I told him to go tell God to watch someone else.

That was the last I seen of the preacher dude until that totally mad party. I remember the party.

It's been nice having a roof over my head and all that glorious hot water and food every day, but there's been one huge thing missing from my new life. Booze. Hooch. Firewater. Goddamn, I do miss the sauce. So the party was right on time. Wild Turkey flowed like water out the tap.

I remember getting shitfaced. And I remember how. We had this awesome game of Quarters, with a twist. Instead of beer, we was using shooters of Wild Turkey.

I remember everyone daring this gnome or elf or something to drink. Every single time a quarter bounced into that shotglass full of Wild Turkey, the elf had to guzzle it. I'm not kidding about that. The guy really seriously was a elf, he had on the little green getup with the hat and pointy shoes and all that; and he really did get forced to drink a awful lot of Wild Turkey.

Not only did the elf get dared to drink every time a quarter made it into the shotglass, we suddenly made up a rule that anyone who said the word 'you' had to do a shooter. That instantly doubled up the amount of Wild Turkey the elf had to drink, because when he got picked, he'd respond with something like, "You asshole," or "You motherfucker," or some other statement containing the word 'you.'

I think the elf had his brother with him. Either that, or I was seeing double. But I remember only one dead elf later on. It seems the little feller died of alcohol poisoning. I didn't even know alcohol was poisonous, much as I've drank over the years. Maybe it's only poisonous to elfs and gnomes and dwarfs and whatnot.

The very last thing I remember is laying tits-up on the living room floor in the party trailer. I think everyone was trying to figure out what to do with the dead elf. I remember looking out the living room window and seeing Jabba the Hut looking in the window. Then everything started spinning. That's it. That's all I remember.

I figured if I went out and partied THAT hard, the lady woulda tossed me assfirst out the front door of the trailer. But I seem to be looking up at that lady's ceiling right now. How did it get there? Where is the ceiling to the party trailer? How did this ring get on my finger? Why are all these cats staring at me? Is there a kitchen emitting delicious smells nearby?

I just can't seem to figure out how the hell I got here.

HOME