by Andy the former security guy in space #91

Who'da thunk heavy construction equipment could be dangerous like that? Not me. I mean, I've seen that shit on TV for years, and I never saw it do anything to anyone on TV like what it done to me at work last month.

I'd just gotten a job on the construction lot next door. Didn't even hafta take the bus to work. I could sleep in until five minutes before start of shift. Sweet. Plus, I knew all my coworkers anyways, because they all live here in the trailer park. The only ones I didn't know were the licensed contractors.

One thing I can tell you about those contractors is, they're all stingy motherfuckers. Not one of them will let you ride their toys, no matter how nice you ask them. They just squawk about how I haven't been trained to operate something as big and heavy as a excavator, or bulldozer, or crane, or whatever. It's like none of them ever heard of OJT, on-the-job training. All they did was tell me to shut the fuck up and move shit out of their way.

I realize we all started off on the wrong foot when I commandeered that excavator at lunchtime without asking permission. In retrospect, it probably wasn't such a good idea to go dropping the excavator bucket on that trash bin. I didn't mean to splatter garbage all over my coworkers, really I didn't. I just wanted to wake 'em all up and give 'em a good laugh.

After that, I asked nicely if I could take the excavator for a joyride, but was told to fuck off by the excavator operator. Since he was so rude to me, I waited until the dude went into the porta-potty. Then I hopped in and took the excavator for a spin. I didn't take it far; only next door to the trailer park. Boy, did I get bitched out for that! I even got told that I'm never ever ever allowed to drive ANYTHING on the construction site ever again, EVER. Not even my very own electric scooter, if you can believe that.

Since I couldn't drive the big toys no more, I figured it would be okay if I took a peep underneath to see what made them things run. I mean, their tires are so huge! Everything on them toys is huge. Matter of fact, I could fit all of me under one tire well, along with a entire rolling toolbox.

I was up under a tire well with a rolling toolbox, just farting around in there and seeing what would happen if I banged on this or unscrewed that. I unscrewed a hardhat-sized metal cap that I didn't really even think would come unscrewed, and all Hell broke loose. That's the last thing I remember before waking up at the hospital in a body cast.

You know them cans you get at joke shops with spring-loaded cloth-covered snakes in 'em? You open the can, thinking it's peanuts or something, and out leaps a bunch of spring-loaded snakes instead. Well, I'm told the accident looked like I'd opened a gigantic can of snake-can snakes, only it was one big snake, and it wasn't covered in no cloth. It was just one great-big spring that leaped out of a hugeass can and whipped me around and twisted my spine like a cheap wind-up toy. At least that's what I'm told. I don't remember jackshit after unscrewing that big cap.

I guess I could bitch and moan about being laid up in a body cast, but I hafta look at the bright side. That bevy of nurses who keep giving me spongebaths tell me that optimistic patients heal up a lot faster.

Plus, I got something to look forward to when I get released from the hospital. Doc says I get to take that great big spring home with me, the one that leaped out from under that wheel well and attacked me. After the doctors and nurses got that spring and my spine all untangled, Doc saved it for me to take home, not unlike gallstones or tonsils in a jar.

Here comes a sponge-bearing nurse now, so it looks like bathtime. I ain't gonna have no problem being optimistic and healing up real fast. No problem at all.

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