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Aaaaaagh, I can't believe Willy dumped me and the cats. Not that the cats miss him much, although they did like Willy more than they ever liked my deceased husband Tod. The cats used to bury Tod when he'd pass out stinky-drunk in front of the trailer. I was good to Willy. I cooked for him and cleaned up after him and bought his cigarettes and everything else. Then he up and runs off with Belinda just because she looks a lot better next to him on the couch than I do. I wasn't ready for this at all. When I walked in and caught them going at it on Willy's couch, I had no choice but to run into the back bedroom of Willy's trailer and throw on his prehistoric firesuit, firehat, and goggles. There was already a ladder propped up against the trailer. Next thing I knew, I was flying off the edge and landing in a giant circular net surrounded by real firemen dressed in modern firefighting gear. Soon as my feet hit the dirt, my legs started running. The next thing I knew, a swarm of paramedic guys emerged from a red ambulance and chased after me. I got tackled and shackled by paramedics armed with a straitjacket and huge syringes full of thorazine. I woke up strapped to a papoose board at the county nuthatch with a doctor or male nurse or really burly female nurse peering into an earlight, right next to my face. The earlight-brandishing individual informed me that I was awake, then unbuckled all the straps and whatnot holding me to that papoose board. They turned me loose in the unrestrained inmate section of the nuthatch just in time for a cigarette break. This big matronly nurse named Eva handed me a generic light 100, then she lit it with her own Bic lighter. I can't say all the meals here are like TV dinners. Hospital food is hospital food. It's not mouthwatering, but it ain't horrible neither. I did manage to put on eight pounds eating all that hospital food. And it seems to make the nuthatch staff happy when we eat a lot. Willy came by and visited me twice so far. We fucked in my semi-private room while the lady in the other bed was out getting a aggressive high-speed sigmoidoscope test done after claiming Xanax made flames shoot out of her ass. It was sooooooo romantic. Willy got on bended knee and apologized for his transgressions. Then he said he already dumped Belinda, and promised we'll get back together just as soon as I'm out of the nuthatch. I expect to be out of the nuthatch soon. I finished everything on my plate at every meal, and they grade you on that in here, you know. Willy gave me a heads-up about that. So not only have I been cleaning my plate at every meal, I even cleaned a few other inmates' plates when the watch-nurse wasn't watching. The doctors and nurses said they'll need to call whoever will be taking care of me when I'm released, just to make sure everything is A-OK on that end. That would be Willy, of course. I'll be returning home to my soulmate. Willy promised to give me a great reference when the call comes in so I'll be turned loose right away. I gave Willy my credit cards and my debit card and its PIN, so he can get me anything I need while I'm locked up. He already brought me toiletries and cigarettes that I asked for, and a bouquet of flowers and a box of candy I didn't ask for. I'm assuming Willy is taking care of my cats while I'm locked up. If not, will someone please go over and throw them some cat cereal and refill the water bowls and scoop out the catboxes until I get out? Thanks a bunch, everyone. I appreciate it and so do the kittycats.
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