by Welcome Wagon Willy
Space #38

Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, my heart is all busted up into itty-bitty little pieces. As you all know, Belinda dumped my ass months ago for that hotshot demolition derby driver Ramone. And she's still with him, despite me sitting in my truck kitty-corner across the driveway, constantly watching her trailer for months on end.

Any gal in her right mind would have gave up and got back together with me by now. But Belinda ain't no regular gal in her right mind. She is one craaaaaaaazy bitch. After all I've been through, too. It ain't easy sitting in a old beater pickup truck for 12 hours straight without even getting out once to take a whiz. Especially since I usually have a 30-pack in the cab with me.

At first I figured Belinda just wasn't aware of my predicament. I can be one sneaky bastard when I wanna be -- a real slick Willy, so to say. Maybe she just didn't see me sitting out there in my pickup truck, looking all dejected and sucking down Natural Ice. Maybe all them empty beer cans I flung out the window one by one didn't catch her attention, neither. So, after sitting on my ass for 12 solid hours one day, I finally got out of the truck.

I hope Belinda didn't see me fall on my ass right there in the driveway. It's amazing how a 30-pack of Natural Ice can rubberize your legs like that, particularly if you drink it sitting in the same spot on a saggy old pickup-truck bench seat from sunup 'til sundown.

Once I finally got my legs back underneath me, I sneaked over to Belinda's trailer to peep into the window and have me a look-see at whatever was going on in there. The sight of Ramone chasing Belinda naked down the hallway, through the living room and into the kitchen nearly made me shit the red thong underwear I'd bought to impress Belinda.

The show ended when Belinda's neighbor from across the driveway showed up and yanked me away from the window by the collar on my fire jacket and beat me senseless. After that, I was limited to sneaking down to Ramone's place in space #90 to see Belinda getting chased around the trailer naked.

But no more.

My New Year's resolution is to give up on Belinda. That's right. I ain't wasting another hour of my life sitting on my ass in my truck, stalking her no more. I'm gonna stalk that cute little girl midget right next door to me in space #36 instead. I won't even need to leave the house to stalk that one.

Jingo the circus midget in space #99 was dating her for a while, but I think she dumped him after he got busted for standing under the glass elevator at the mall and peeping up women's skirts.

That actually works pretty good. I tried it. I just didn't get my ass busted for it like Jingo did.

Just think of how much fun a girl midget can be. I could pick her up and spin her around and throw her in the air and catch her and she'd be really easy to reposition in bed. Plus she's got these great-big knockers that'd make any red-blooded guy want to give her a pearl necklace.

Yep, I'm definitely over Belinda. Ramone can have her. My attentions will be otherwise occupied this year.

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