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How hammered was I on Thanksgiving? Jeeeeeez, I can't believe I ended up strapped into that gizmo down at the duckpond. Ain't no surprise I ended up bellyflopping into that filthy, ice-cold water thanks to that contraption. I'm just grateful y'all didn't try to launch Beulah in that thing. She outweighs me by 100 pounds, and might not have even made it to the shoreline. Then the cops, firetrucks, and SWAT team showed up. What the fuck was up with that? There must have been 19 cop cars out there. They closed off the whole damn driveway, so I had to park in the field next door, squiggle all six-and-a-half foot and 300 pounds of me under that POLICE LINE - DO NOT CROSS tape, then walk all the way down to my trailer in space #68, and all while I was toting a case of Natural Ice. Apparently, that parade of emergency vehicles was dispatched in my honor -- or more specifically, because of that bellyflop I done and that gigantic wave it caused. If that's true, then they sure took long enough to show up. I mean, I had time to change clothes and drive to Boozapalooza and get me a 24-pack before they even showed up. I got stopped by the cops on my way back down the driveway, with me being a big fat guy with wet hair. They didn't arrest me this time, though. Didn't even cuff me. I figured I'd get cuffed and caged and hauled away in the back of a cop car, for sure. You see, I'd just got released from County. Got locked up for fighting with the cops when they come and got my boy Timmy for being a minor under the influence, and for riding his bicycle while shitfaced. It was brutal. Good thing the cops got here when they did and not 15 minutes earlier, or they'd have caught Timmy breaking into that new snack bar in space #43, in addition to being a minor riding a bicycle while shitfaced. What was I talking about before I got sidetracked? Oh, yeah, the Thanksgiving fiasco. Anyhoo, the cops stopped me in the driveway and asked if I knew anything about a tsunami in the duckpond. I told the cops I didn't know nothing about no tsunami or any other monster in the duckpond, and I ought to know, being that I'd just done a humongous bellyflop into the duckpond not 20 minutes prior. That was all the cops needed to hear, so they turned me loose and let me get that case of beer home before it lost its frost and got all warm from being tucked up underneath my left armpit. The city went to all that hassle of sending every emergency vehicle in the city into our humble little trailer park yet again, and nobody left empty-handed. As usual. Willy and Dot rode away to the nuthatch in the red ambulance. Jingo, Maddog, Andy, and Carl all rode out of the trailer park caged in the backseats of police cruisers. And the firemen extinguished a small fire in the weeds by the duckpond, caused by Lulu's brat Damian flicking hot coals out of the barbecue with a stick when the grownups wasn't looking. All in all, I'd hafta say it was a decent Thanksgiving.
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