SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION STARTS TWO FIRES ON SAME DAY
Tinbox Acres loses a gazebo, Humpy the Rottweiler loses a doghouse

Despite what arson investigators would have you believe, spontaneous combustion is what caused them two structure fires what attracted all them cops and the news crews and that big red firetruck. Spontaneous combustion means suddenly bursting into flames for no apparent reason and without no warning.

Them arson investigators don't know squat about spontaneous combustion or what causes it. All they know about is people setting fires. Well, them two fires weren't set by human hands.

We know this is true because Ronnie Dorque told us all about in graphic details. The sun has magnet storms all over it. Them magnet storms is what causes stuff on Earth to spontaneously combust.

Usually the magnet storms on the sun pick some old lady recluse to spontaneously combust, but not always. Doghouses and gazebos and other flammable structures like that have also been known to burst into flames for no apparent reason, just like what we all seen last month.

Ronnie Dorque knows all about the sun and the planets and asteroids and meteors and galaxies and whatnot, 'cause he has a telescope. Plus, he got a B in Astrology during summer school.

Them arson investigators don't give a shit about magnet storms on the sun. They never got no B in Astrology, so they blame something they do know about -- firebugs. But them fires weren't the work of no firebugs.

Humpy's doghouse burst into flames first. Firefighters arrived at approximately 1:30 on   Saturday afternoon to find Humpy halfway over the fence. His doghouse was all engulfed in flames with black, greasy smoke that smelled like burning gasoline rolling offa it.

Ronnie said that's how you can tell magnet storms on the sun combusted something -- it smells like gasoline, or paint thinner, or charcoal briquette starter fuel, or some other flammable liquid. So this was living proof that Humpy's doghouse got spontaneously combusted.

The gazebo burst into gasoline-scented flames at around 7:30 that same evening. The gazebo fire was far more entertaining than the doghouse fire. It was way bigger, it wasn't in anyone's back yard, and it happened at night so we all got a kickass fireshow.

That gazebo wood was all dried out and cracked anyways. It was made out of that cheap pressboard shit, so it snapped and crackled and made big old pops when it burned. It was like the Fourth of July in November. Fatty Daddy showed up at the burning gazebo with a half dozen bags of marshmallows. We had ever last marshmallow roasted and almost all of 'em ate before the firetrucks showed up and the firemen shooed us all away.

Our gazebo fire attracted all them helicopters. That's why we all got to see live aerial shots of Tinbox Acres and ourselfs on the news that night. In fact, it was probably that mob of us pushing past the firemen to wave at the news helicopters with our TVs tuned into the live news broadcasts that got management slapped with all them huge whopping fines for "Obstructing Emergency Operations."

While the firemen was hosing the gazebo, a part they hadn't got to yet went ka-POW real big, and throwed a huge flaming splinter off into the dried grass. The firemen heard the ka-POW, then the WHOOOOOSH as tons of months-old, dried-up dead grass caught fire all at once.

The grass fire was way, way out of control within a minute. Then it hit that old stack of old bald tires laying out by the duckpond. The result was our days-long tire fire that made all the local papers. That tire fire was fun at first, but then it got to be old hat and besides, it stunk.

The City probably could have forgived us for just the gazebo fire alone. But the grass fire, then that tire fire, well, it done sent the City over the edge. The fact that we was all trying to get on the news didn't reduce the fines, neither.

All that waving and making goofy faces up at the helicopters was way more than the City could stand. They laid a humongous fine on management, mostly for air pollution, but with noise ordinances and obstruction of firefighting efforts sprinkled on top. Rumor has it that the fines total over $10,000 (ten grand).

How the hell is the managers gonna cough up that much cash? Oh shit. They might start turning us in for the bounty money!

God knows someone could make a fortune moonlighting as a trailerpark bounty hunter, that's for sure. Or what if the city gets a copy of the news footage with our faces, and make the ones who were actually in the firemen's way pay the fines? Shit. Hopefully, the managers won't bend us all over the kitchen chair for this.

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