JINGO RETURNED TO TINBOX ACRES VIA WIRELESS SATELLITE
Circus midget plunges entire Western hemisphere into wirelesslessness

For two solid days last month, the entire Western hemisphere was back on the wire, thanks to Jingo the incredible circus midget.

The last time we all seen Jingo, he was playing on that gigantor Johnny-Jump-Up hanging in the tree by the duckpond. He was jumping around real good until the seat straps done give out on him on the upswing. Jingo ended up flying away and we ain’t seen hide nor hair of him since. Until now.

It seems Jingo propelled hisself straight to the moon. He’d been stuck there for a good month and a half. He was bored out of his skull sitting up there all alone.

Jingo says there ain’t a single bar on the whole moon, at least not on the bright side. He was kinda scared to go wandering around on the dark side looking for a bar. Besides if there was a bar in all that darkness, you’d be able to see the neon lights out front. Suffice it to say there ain’t no bar on the moon. Period.

Jingo sat there twiddling his thumbs until all of a sudden, he seen some red flashing lights far, far off in the distance. At first, Jingo thought he was hallucinating on moondust or something. But the red flashing lights kept getting closer and closer and closer. Jingo realized that weren’t no hallucination. Them flashing lights was the harbinger of a approaching wireless communications satellite.

Jingo’s original intention was just to see what the fuck all them flashy red lights was when he started jumping up and down on the moon’s surface. Since the moon’s gravitational pull is one-sixth the gravitational pull on Earth, Jingo was able to bounce up six times as high as he would on Earth. Plus, he kept jumping and jumping, kinda trampoline-style, until he got enough height to make out what all them flashing red lights was.

Soon it became apparent to Jingo that the red flashy thing was a big cylindrical satellite with antennas and whatnot sticking out from it. That’s when Jingo decided to hijack the satellite and ride it back to Tinbox Acres.

Soon as that satellite got close enough, Jingo started doing the trampoline-jump thing just as hard as he could. As the satellite approached, Jingo jumped higher and higher. When that satellite crossed Jingo’s path, he grabbed hold of it and took it for a spin, steering it by them antenna thingies. Jingo leaned on the satellite so’s it’d head toward Earth instead of orbiting it.

The flight back to Earth was pretty unveventful. If Jingo didn’t have to steer the satellite, he probably would have fallen asleep on the way back. The trip was actually rather peaceful. Things didn’t start getting hairy until Jingo and the satellite entered the atmosphere and got sucked in by the Earth’s gravitational pull.

At the point where Jingo reentered the atmosphere, he was about 25 miles off of the ground. Then the gravitational pull of the Earth started kicking in, along with air resistance.

Soon as Jingo and the satellite passed through the stratosphere, both started to spin. Tumbling is force of habit for Jingo, being that he’s a retired circus midget and all. Plus, the satellite was in a cylindrical shape, so it kinda wanted to tumble and spin all the way to the ground anyways.

Jingo hung on and tumbled through the stratosphere, into the troposphere, and finally into midair, where he accelerated toward the ground at a dizzying 9.8 meters per second, every second.  By the time Jingo had traveled the entire 25 miles from the tippity top of the troposphere until he splashed into the duckpond, he and that satellite was  rocketing at damn near 300 miles per hour.

The more a object weighs, the more force it hits the ground with. Any idiot knows this, including Jingo the Circus Midget. So Jingo leggo of that satellite a few seconds before impact. Jingo only weighs about 55 pounds, and he fell from 25 miles up in the air. If the little feller had hit dirt or asphalt or something non-liquid from that height, he would have been smooshed flat with about 720 pounds of force. Good thing Jingo landed in water.

Nobody was expecting to ever see Jingo again after he flew off into the sky. Certainly none of us EVER expected him to come flying BACK.

Right after Jingo let go of the satellite, it hit that tree outside Virginia Beadle’s place, shearing the tree in half and dropping the top of the tree onto the roof and decimating old lady Beadle’s trailer. Jingo continued on until he hit the duckpond and the satellite crash-landed and then sat there smoldering on the shore.

Jingo hit the water bellyfirst at nearly 300 miles an hour, causing a tsunami that washed over Fatty Daddy, who had been fishing on the shore. We could hear DAAAAAAAMMMIIIIIIIIT! in Fatty Daddy's voice echoing through the hills for a half hour after the tsunami subsided and the duckpond looked normal again.

We all got to read in the papers about how the entire Western hemisphere was without wireless service for two days, until another cylindrical satellite with antenna thingies hanging offa it could be launched into orbit. We hafta give Jingo all the credit for putting everyone on this side of the planet back on the wire for two whole days.

HOME