BLOOD, GUTS AND GORE GALORE
Meth fumes blamed for speedfreak doing header into own Skilsaw

Rudy Bonaparte, the Skilsaw-wielding speedfreak in space #19, literally bit the big one right there in front of old lady Beadle on Valentine's Day.

Goddamn, that was the goriest thing anyone in the whole trailer park ever seen. The coroner said Rudy suffered a Skilsaw-induced sagittal bisection, whatever the fuck that means. All we know is that little speedfreak ended up doing a header into the blade while it was running.

In case you been in a cave or something all month and ain't seen or smelled it, Rudy and BT been cooking meth down on the shore of the duckpond ever since it barely got warm enough outside to get away with it. We all been threatened with eviction by management if we ever dump meth chemicals down our drains again, so in a way management's got Rudy's blood on their hands.

The way them two was cooking meth was by lighting a innocent-looking campfire on the shore of the duckpond. Rudy had this hugeass rusty metal trough laying outside his trailer, which he and BT used as a monster-sized meth-cooking beaker. They don't let you have bunsen burners in organic chemistry labs because open flames plus organic solvents can equal a fireball. Ask poor, scorched little Eddie in space #62 about what happened to his camper in space #29 if you don't believe it.

Rudy and BT didn't suffer no fireballs, though, 'cause the outdoors are ventilated real good. Either that, or them two just got real lucking fucky. Even though they didn't blow themselfs to smithereens or nothing like that, the aromas from the bubbling, cooking meth ingredients dinged them two knuckleheads out even more than usual.

Not only did Rudy and BT hallucinate great big bugs and shit like that, but Rudy's bugs actually started to bite him. No shit. Them two was standing right there by the bubbling rusty trough full of organic solvents and cold medications, and Rudy started screaming, AAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAGH! Then he did this goofy, high-pitched little weeeeeeeeeeee! screech that sounded a whole lot like Marcia Brady would if John Holmes ever guest-starred on The Brady Bunch.

BT's speed-blown pupils darted out of the fire and right at the Marcia-Brady-screeching Rudy, at which time BT stated, "Dude, you gotta not stand so close to the fire. Your bugs are starting to bite." At that point, a spider or something bit BT on the ass, and he said, "Ow, goddamn," while wildly flailing at his stinging backside.

At that point, the two idiots decided it was probably time to lay off the meth cooking at least until their bugs weren't biting no more. It's bad enough to hallucinate them critters. No way could Rudy and BT concentrate on crystallizing methamphetamine over a campfire with them bugs biting at them like that. So they skimmed off the product and throwed the rusty trough into the duckpond for rinsing and cooling and hazardous waste disposal. Then they staggered home and took shit apart.

BT spent the rest of the night dissecting every electronic device in his trailer there in space #21. Rudy, on the other hand, decided to Skilsaw a bunch of lumber apart.

Rudy had been hypnotizing himself staring into that fire under the rusty trough at the duckpond. Plus he had a load on from all the meth fumes bubbling out of that trough. So it ain't a big surprise that he got all hypnotized by that Skilsaw blade going around and around and around in circles right in front of his eyes.

As Rudy slowly pushed a two-by-four into the spinning sawblade, his face just kinda followed the two-by-four. Rudy didn't stop until his patio looked like someone filled a power-washer with blood and shot it all over his patio, and the saw finally clogged up and quit running.

Everyone in the whole trailer park except Virginia Beadle missed that part of the show. Miz Beadle's always looking out her windows anyways, and Rudy's her next-door neighbor. Miz Beadle's living room window faces Rudy's trailer. So it ain't no surprise that she seen it all with her own eyeballs when Rudy went and did that header into his Skilsaw.

Old lady Beadle seen Rudy's blood, guts and gore spraying and splattering all over her living room window, and she screeeeeeeamed.  Not like Rudy's Marcia-Brady-catching-John-Holmes-nekkid, high-pitched whistle-screech, but more like a blood-curdling scary-movie scream. Anyways, it got us all over to her trailer in a hurry.

What we saw laying there on that toolbench looked like a Siamese-twin-separation operation gone horribly awry. Like they tried separating the wrong patient, and used a toolbench for a operating table. We was all in shock. Jingo puked.

We was all so dumbstruck, nobody even thought to grab a camera until later. By then the coroner and the HazMat guys was all gone and Edgar the maintenance guy hosed down Rudy's porch out of respect for the dead. So the only photos we all ended up getting were of the meth lab down there by the duckpond. The fumes from that meth lab probably dizzied Rudy out so much he done a header into his own table saw.

Despite the whole trailer park's insistence that Rudy get to have a open-casket funeral, Rudy got cremated. Despite protests from bar patrons, Rudy's ashes was strewn all over Buzzards bar. That's the way Rudy woulda wanted it.

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