ANIL ROBERTS KILLED IN FOURTH OF JULY HOLIDAY MISHAP
Barbecue, religious pamphlets and fireworks blamed

When Rogelio promised us a July Fourth fireworks display we'd never forget, he wasn't kidding.

The day started out about as planned, with most of us waking up and stumbling down to the duckpond for the annual BBQ Breakfast of Pyromaniacs by noon. That barbecue was so much fun, we just left it burning. Then we all just barbecued our food all day on the grill.

Around about 3:00 in the afternoon, Rogelio's pickup truck came rattling down the driveway. The bed of the truck was all full to the tippity-top with illegal fireworks Rogelio went and smuggled home from Mexico.

We was all hanging around the duckpond, eating barbecue and buying illegal Mexican fireworks from Rogelio. It was a idyllic day, I tell you what. Nobody got in no knock-down drag-out drunken hollering fights or nothing.

Rogelio's generosity with the fireworks inspired DJ the dope dealer to share some of his personal stash with us, which caused everyone to get all sentimental and break out their own shit, too. Everyone was just sharing and caring all over the trailer park. Then Anil Roberts the proselytizing goofball showed up with a pocketful of religious pamphlets.

It was the religious pamphlets what killed Anil. Either that, or the flaming barbecue grill, or all them Mexican fireworks of Rogelio's. Hell, it might have even been Anil's own legs that was responsible for his demise. You hafta look at the events leading up to Anil's death and judge for your ownself.

Anil was milling around the duckpond right after dark with the rest of us, reaching into his right rear pants pocket every so often to retrieve a pamphlet with WILL I BURN IN HELL? emblazoned on the front. Anil had been speaking to old lady Beadle about God since she's real super old and probably ought to be worrying about that kinda shit. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pamphlet and handed it to old lady Beadle when Dot the crazy cat lady from up in space #8 walked by.

Anil secretly had the hots for Dot, so he excused hisself from old lady Beadle in a hurry and scurried up to Dot. God was not on Anil's conversational topic agenda when he made a run for Dot. By the time he'd reached her, Dot was helping herself to a paper-plateful of barbecue.

Anil trotted after Dot, slowing down and smoothing his hair and sucking in his gut. Dot stood by the barbecue driving Anil out of his mind, making him think all sorts of Sodomite thoughts by eating a hotdog right there in front of him. Anil prattled on about the nice weather, the upcoming fireworks show, how was that hot dog, and just about everything except for God and Jesus and Satan and Heaven and hellfire and brimstone and all that other shit Anil usually goes on and on about.

With all them religious pamphlets sticking out of Anil's right rear pants pocket and that barbecue behind him, Anil backed up. He stood there trying his goddamndest to impress Dot for a good 90 seconds or so, not knowing his ass was currently catching fire. We all seen it. We was standing right there, placing bets on how long it'd take that fool to figure out he was on fire when it happened.

Anil's too fat to turn around and look at his ass, so what he did looked like he was trying to spank the shit of of himself in an attempt to beat the flames out. Then instinct kicked in and Anil's short little legs started pumping and he took off running.

Unfortunately, Rogelio's pickup truck fulla illegal Mexican fireworks was right there, and flaming Anil ran smack-dab into the tailgate and toppled into the middle of that huge stash of fireworks in the back of the truck.  Anil, the religious pamphlets, Rogelio's pickup truck, and all them glorious illegal Mexican fireworks was a goner. Rogelio survived the incident because he was in the porta-potty when it all went down, but he did miss a great show.

God was certainly smiling down on His little proselytizing goofball Anil that day. It woulda been a outright pity if all them fireworks blowed up in broad daylight. Instead, God seen fit to blow Anil to Kingdom Come at night so the rest of us could have a Fourth of July holiday to remember.

HOME