TINBOX ACRES GETS NEW JAIL, SECURITY GUY
Andy canned, Willy arrested, Maudine boinked senseless

It finally happened. Our beloved security guy, Andy, got shitcanned. We all gotta admit that Andy's really been asleep at the switch since the first of the year. That was back when Andy left Lulu and the baby and moved in with Maddog Monson after the sewage lines disintegrated.

Life was just too good for Andy, living down there in Maddog's trailer, swilling beer anytime he   felt like it. Plus, Maddog gots kickass satellite TV with access to every station on the planet, including all the pay-per-views and even some foreign hardcore whack channels. Sports and porn and beer -- Andy had no reason whatsoever to leave that little slice of chick-flickless heaven in space #91, especially not to return to a life of changing diapers and arguing with Lulu over which non-cable TV station to watch.

There was also no reason whatsoever for Andy to get up and go to work guarding the trailer park. Ditto for him ferreting out evildoers and locking them in a chainlink cage for their own safety and the safety of the entire trailer park. Things have been getting out of hand even more than normal since Andy moved in with Maddog.

If Andy had been on duty when he should have, maybe Rudy wouldn't have did a header into that table saw on his porch. And just maybe Anil wouldn't have caught on fire and run smack-dab into Rogelio's pickup truck when it was all full of illegal Mexican fireworks. That's two resident deaths and one blown-up truck that maybe could be a indirect result of Andy's debauchery.

Andy probably could have gone on goofing off and not preventing resident deaths and not minimizing visits from law enforcement and social services, but his ideal replacement went and fled Buzzards Trailertopia and moved into space #35. This guy used to be a real live deputy sheriff. And he gots his own portable jail that he moved next door into space #33.

So there's a new sheriff in the trailer park, and his name is Marshal Arvin. Deputy Arvin even has a real live cop badge with his own name engraved on it, and a whole cop uniform, including regular cop shoes and motorcycle boots. We hear tell he even gots them little garter-belt thingies that keep the cops' socks from bunching down around their ankles and shirts from coming untucked from inside their pants.

Oh, come on, don't say you never noticed that when you're watching that TV show COPS. A suspect gets runned down and tackled and shackled, and he's a fucking wreck; leaves and grass in his hair, dirt everywhere else, clothing all pulled up and pushed down and rumpled all over the place, but the cops are still put together all nice and neat. There's a simple reason for that.

They strap their shirts to their socks with garter belts.  No shit. The editor's little sister Veronica seen the aforementioned gear get put on out of the corner of her eye at 3:30 in the morning one time. Plus, it was verified by cousin Mitch, who said he used to strap his uniform shirt to his socks with garter belts back when he was in the Air Force.

Anyhoo, not only does Tinbox Acres now boast a in-house deputy, but none of us ever has to get locked in that little chainlink cage when we go buckwild crazy ever again. Ever. Even when a batch of bad meth goes through the trailer park. We can still go apeshit, but we'll be detained in a climate-controlled jail trailer that's probably more cozy than a lot of the campers and smaller trailers some of us live in.

Marshal's a real looker, too. He already scored with his new next-door neighbor Maudine, the only normal-looking female in the whole trailer park.

Somehow Willy ended up calling the cops on Maudine, but Willy's the one who ended up riding away in the back of the cruiser and he didn't come back for like a week.

Welcome Wagon Willy's had a thing for Maudine for years, ever since the day she moved in across the street from him, probably. Seeing Maudine with that cop sent Willy plumb off the deep end. It drove him even more bonkers than that time when Fatty Daddy boinked them twin old ladies Willy had the hots for.

Willy went completely batshit and stood outside screaming, "MAUDIIIIIIINE!" over and over. Then he grabbed that rickety old ladder and got up on top of his trailer -- again, in a filthy firesuit, firehat and goggles -- again, threatening to jump -- AGAIN. However, the cops didn't have to talk Willy down with a bullhorn this time.

Marshal and Maudine just returned from a date when they heard their across-the-driveway neighbor screaming his balls off on the rooftop. Marshal simply climbed up a ladder leaning against the trailer, chased Willy to the edge of the roof, and shoved. We all seen Willy plummet over the side, then we heared him land with a OOF next door in Pearline and Earline's flowerbed.  Then Marshal climbed down the ladder.

Willy hunkered in that flowerbed as Marshal loomed over him, threatening to stomp his ass flat if he so much as looked at Maudine ever again. Ever. Willy laid there cowering in the flowerbed and Marshal sauntered back over to Maudine's.

Since the show was over, we all mooched a cigarette offa each other and went home to our trailers, where we called each other on the phone and talked about it some more.

We hear tell Willy got locked up in the jail trailer later on, but he rode away in the back of a cop car before anyone else in the trailer park was even out of bed in the morning.

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