FOUR WEDDINGS AND A DEAD CHRISTMAS ELF
Tiny guest keels over at bachelor party

If you ever wondered what would happen if a dumpy trailer park out in the middle of nowhere were to lose power, here's the answer. Marriage and death happens, at a rate of four marriages to one death. That got proved here last month when that big bolt of lightning took out the power in the whole trailer park for a week.

Since it was dark and cold, we done what trailerpark inhabitants do naturally under them conditions. We boinked the bejabbers out of one another. Most of us was able to just brush it off as a great way to stay warm when there ain't no electricity. But seven of us had moral reservations about it. One needed a roof over his head.

Instead of getting all preachy with everyone for all the fornicating we was doing all over the place (and not always indoors) Pastor Pasqual in space #26 seen the opportunity to drum up some business for hisself.  So Pastor started preaching about how God don't want to watch us fornicating without no wedding rings on. And seven of us fell for it.

Pop Feral became Timmy's legal stepdad by marrying Beulah Radkin. Timmy even took Pop's last name right along with his ma, so now it's Timmy Feral. We hear tell Pop Feral will be legally adopting Timmy. Beulah will not be adopting Pop's boys Arliss and Darrell, since they're both over 18 years old. Besides, Arliss tweeks, and Darrell is basically an idiot.

Psych facility escapee Carl Bailey made a honest woman out of Ma Feral. The happy couple will continue to live right up there next to the highway in space #1. The bride has decided to hyphenate her married name so as to honor Carl and not alienate her boys Arliss and Darrell. So now her legal name is Ma Feral-Bailey.

The only reason Dot brung that homeless guy back to her trailer and fucked him had to be the power outage and the freezing cold weather. Dot's got lots more morals than she gots brains, so it wasn't too difficult for Pastor to talk her into marrying Tod the homeless guy.

Marshal and Maudine has been batshit over each other from day one. Even though neither one of them two is real trailerpark material, they decided to go ahead and take the plunge with the other three couples. They probably woulda wound up hitched in June, anyway.

With any quadruple wedding comes a quadruple bachelor party. And what a bash it was! We had strippers, hookers, stripping hookers, dope, firearms, explosives, remote-control sex toys, pornographic movies, a blowtorch, a kitchen-window slingshot, live Elvis music, a horseshoe pit, barbed wire, and cases and cases of Wild Turkey that Elvis had in his tool shed.

It was the aforementioned bounty of Wild Turkey what killed Santa's elf.

Jingo the retired circus midget in space #99 works part-time seasonal at the mall. Over Halloween, he was a goblin in the Halloween shack. Lately, he's been one of Santa's elfs in the Santa's workshop at the mall. He helps kids through the line and makes sure Santa's got a fresh puppy-pad on his lap in case of toddler accidents.

Jingo ain't the only midget on elf duty at the mall. There's this dwarf named Hermie who's been hanging with Jingo lately. Hermie and Jingo have been going out back of the mall on their breaks to smoke herb together.

When Elvis threw that huge bachelor party for the grooms-to-be, Jingo invited his new buddy Hermie to the bash. Nothing livens up a bachelor party quite like a couple of drunken midgets.

Rogelio had brung over a big roll of rusty barbed wire from out back of the Quick-E-Mart, and we surrounded Elvis' trailer with it. We all knew the womenfolk would be trying to spy on the bachelor party, so that barbed wire was to keep the ladies away from the party trailer.

Without all the womenfolk peeping in the windows and interrupting all the fun by screaming about the strippers and hookers, the bachelor party got going full-blast in no time. All four grooms and most of the party guests, including both of the midgets, got laid.

That's when someone suggested we play a game of Quarters with all that Wild Turkey.

Midgets just ain't built to drink as much as normal folks. And they certainly ain't built to lose a game of Quarters. But we was having so much fun picking Hermie to drink the shooter of Wild Turkey any time one of us bounced a quarter into the glass, we didn't even think of the consequences of our actions.

Them consequences turned out to be a dead dwarf, done in by alcohol poisoning. To make matters worse, Jingo and Hermie had come straight to the trailer park after work, and was still in their elf uniforms. So not only was Hermie dead as a doornail, he was dressed up like a Christmas elf.

We didn't know him that long, but one thing is for sure. Little Hermie would not want his demise to fuck up our quadruple wedding plans. So we sat him in a rocking chair in Elvis' back bedroom and went on with the wedding the following day.

While the four grooms whisked their four brides to the hotel casino for a gambling honeymoon, the rest of the menfolk disposed of Hermie's body, elf uniform and hat and all. The guys set Hermie onto the catapult and launched him over the duckpond and onto Buzzards Trailertopia.

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