DOT'S HUSBAND TOD KILLED IN FIERY MISHAP
Grain alcohol blamed

Dot sure didn't get many miles out of her husband before he got totaled.

The deceased used to be a homeless drunk living in the dumpster out back of Boozapalooza before Dot married him and put a roof over his head. But you know what they say--you can take a drunk out of the dumpster, but you can never take the dumpster out of the drunk. Or something like that.

But Dot loved Tod a whole bunch, even though he'd pass out in the dirt outside their trailer, and Dot would come home to find all them kittycats of hers trying to bury her husband in the yard. It's only natural when a cat comes across a stinky lump in the dirt to cover it up.

Tod's drinking and stinking was really starting to grate on Dot's nerves, and so was Tod's perpetual joblessness. Dot had told Tod if he wanted any more hooch, he was just going to have to get a job and buy his own, because she wasn't gonna support his habit no more. Not his booze habit, anyways. She still bought his cigarettes.

Tod had no idea how to get a job. Plus, he ain't the squeaky-cleanest person on the planet--he only brushes his teeth about every three days and it's a fucking miracle when he showers twice in the same week.

While mooching beers from Eddie and Arliss in space #62, Tod surfed the net on Arliss' computer, searching for recipes to make alcoholic beverages at home--how to brew your own beer and distill moonshine in your trailer and whatnot. That's where Tod found them instructions for distilling grain alcohol with a water-distilling unit, like the ones you can get at places like the Home Depot.

After purchasing a home water-distilling unit, Tod fermented a bunch of hominy and started to distill the alcohol out of it per instructions from the Internet. Instead of producing 200-proof grain alcohol for free, all that water-distilling thing produced was a great big fireball, one dead drunk, one scorched trailer, one widow, and at least a dozen freaked-out kittycats.

Not all of us seen Dot's trailer go ka-blooey, but we all heared it. Nobody in the whole trailer park has a job right now, so nobody missed the fireworks due to employment. The only one who missed the action was Elvis, since he's still north of Los Angeles, visiting his ex-son-in-law's ranch.

The coroner said Tod was killed instantly in the blast and didn't feel nothing. Good thing, 'cause what we all seen get wheeled out of Dot's trailer on a stretcher looked like homeless-dude jerky, all dried out and parched a deep shade of sienna brown. Dot was at the fabric store when Tod tried to make that moonshine, so she wasn't fried in the blast with her hubby.

None of Dot's kittycats got physically hurt in the blast, neither. The cats had taken to avoiding Tod, 'cause they can't stand the way he smells. Tod didn't like the cats, neither. He was always complaining about how he can't even pass out in the dirt without Dot's cats surrounding him and burying him like a big old drunken turd in the yard.

Fortunately, Tod only managed to scorch the inside of the trailer and also around the windows where the flames shot out. So Dot's trailer is still somewhat habitable, although the county inspector might beg to differ on that point. Let's just say Dot's lucky to still have a roof over her head, scorched as that roof may be.

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