If you need to bum a ride to get to your family's place over the holidays, make sure the person you're bumming a ride from is sober. It's unsafe to ride in a car when the driver is pickled. Let sleeping drunks lie. Don't wake them up to trade a Pabst Blue Ribbon for a ride to Aunt Enid's house on the other side of town.

If you can't mooch a ride from a sober neighbor (or if no neighbors are sober) then you might want to consider purchasing an unlimited holiday weekend bus pass to get to your family's Christmas party. They run about a buck twenty-five for the whole weekend, and you can get them from the bus transient center downtown.

Eat something on Christmas Eve day and New Years Eve day and your hangover won't pound so hard the next morning. Plus it gives you something to puke up the next morning besides our own innards.

When the blast from your heater dries the Christmas tree to a crisp, it's time to stop lighting the meth pipe right next to it. Those dried up little pine needles just sit there WAITING to catch fire. When your Christmas tree gets all crispy and cruncy, quit lighting cigarettes and meth pipes and whatnot near it.

Santa likes cookies and milk and whatnot. Heroin, pills, crack, cocaine, methamphetamines, ecstasy (MDMA), ketamine, GHB, ruffies, etc., do not agree with Santa Claus. Think 'kid food' when you're leaving treats for the big guy in the red suit. Last year, Eddie left a teensy little pile of meth on a mirror on the kitchen table with a shortie straw next to it. After ingesting this little 'treat,' Santa went totally batshit and mangled the inside of Eddie's trailer. Eddie didn't even leave that meth for Santa in the first place. He just kind of forgot about it, and when Santa showed up on Christmas Eve, he thought it was for him.

If you're planning on engaging in any illegal activity at all this month, please do it in a Santa suit. Nobody ever gets arrested in a Santa suit. This is because it' extremely traumatic for children to see Santa thrown on the ground and kept there at gunpoint by an army of cops in riot gear. Cops know this, and you can take advantage of it. Anything that you do that would normally get you tossed into the backseat cage in a police cruiser gets forgiven in a hurry when you're dressed up like Santa Claus. Now you know why.

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