Virginia Beadle tells us Elmer's Glue-All makes a GREAT peel-off facial mask. It's exactly like that stuff that got discontinued a while back, called Freeda's Vitamin P-is-for-Peeloff Face Mask. Freeda's was a real good product, in that it smeared on just like Elmer's and it'd seep into your pores and grab a hold of any dirt, oil, ittybitty pebbles and whatnot that was lodged in your skin. After the stuff dried, you'd pull it off an it'd yank all that shit out of your skin, leaving it all fresh and clean and pink and baby smooth. Then Freeda's got discontinued. Oh well. Elmer's is way cheaper anyway, and it's even BETTER than Freeda's, 'cause Freeda's never yanked a mustache off a old woman. Just be sure to use Elmer's Glue-All and NOT Elmer's School Glue.

Rudy Bonaparte writes to us from his jail cell to offer a whole bunch of helpful hints, all pertaining to the same thing:

13 Things You Never Ever Ever In A Million Years No Matter What EVER Say To The Cops.

Rudy found out the hard way last month the cops don't appreciate it when you say the following to them.

1 Who wants to know?  

2 Yes, my name is Rudy, but no, I ain't the Rudy YOU'RE looking for.

3 There's worse crimes than smoking a shitload of meth and firing up a Skilsaw, you know.

4 Why ain't you out catching real criminals instead of fucking with me?

5 You can't prove that.

6 No, I ain't got no illegal narcotics on me right now.

7 No, you cannot rummage through my pockets.

8 No, that ain't a meth pipe in my right front pants pocket; I'm just happy to see you.

9 Hey, gimme back that little baggie!

10 Okay then, just let me have the off-white crystalline substance IN that baggie.

11 Oh yeah?  What are YOU gonna do about it?

12 I choose to waive my Miranda rights and spill my guts right here, right now, and in a loud voice.

13 If you don't unshackle me NOW, I'm gonna whomp the shit out you.

HOME