Kitchen fires tend to happen around the holiday season, and it's usually due to having too many people loitering in the kitchen with all four burners and the oven going at once. Madge in space #56 says the most valuable piece of fireproofing equipment she's got is a accordion-style door barricade that's normally used to contain toddlers and pets. Sometimes a drunk relative will fall on the door gate, rendering it useless. So you might want to shore it up with chairs once the family's hammered.

New resident Pastor Pasqual shares his tips for becoming a rehab reverend. We can take him seriously because he just got sprung from five years in rehab. Pastor says it's all the actions you do and how you look doing them. For instance, one good action that works well is to grab someone's hand and demand that person pray for you. Or demand they pray for someone they know, or someone who just starred in a tragic news report. But a good rehab reverend must look the part. You have to stand out from your flock, no matter how insane that flock may be. This can be accomplished by wearing something robe-like. Bathrobe, muu-muu, flannel nightgown, they all work equally well as long as the robe-like garment looks serious enough and doesn't have the Powerpuff Girls or Spongebob Squarepants printed all over it.  And be barefoot all the time, even when you're outside in the snow.

Kevroy Gordon in space #93 says you should pick up your pot-cleaning tray and put it next to your ear and shake it gently back and forth and listen after picking out seeds. If there are any itty-bitty seeds left, they will make a faint tink-tink-tink noise as they roll back and forth on the tray. When you don't hear the tink-tink-tink noise when you shake the tray, you can be sure you got all the seeds out. Then you can pack all the bowls you want and not have to worry about a seed bomb blowing up in your face.

Jingo the retired circus midget in space #99 tells us if a hill starts forming in your living room, especially if it stinks, move out. Find another trailer before yours explodes and decimates all your personal possessions.

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