Eddie and Arliss in space #62 want to remind us all keep our Christmas trees watered real good. Otherwise, it'll get all dehydrated and crunchy, and will burst into flames when you or one of your houseguests falls into the tree with a lit meth pipe.

Carl Bailey in space #1 says you should pour one cup of Vodka into the water at the base of your Christmas tree. Not only does the alcohol preserve the tree, but it sure does settle the dog down good when he laps up some of that tree water.

Virginia Beadle in space #17 would like to remind everyone NOT to decorate our trailers with twinkly Christmas lights. That just makes it too difficult for us to see the cop cars when they come twinkling in. If we don't see the cop cars come twinkling in, we won't know to hang around the kitchen window and wait to see who all rides out in the back of the cruisers.

Beulah Radkin says it ain't so difficult to marry some guy the day after you peep into his bachelor party and find him with a lapful of stripper. All you got to do is go dig up some ex-beau and boink his lights out. Thataway, you even everything out real good and start your marriage out right on a level playing field.

Welcome Wagon Willy shares the secret that got him laid last month. All you got to do is be available when your ex-girlfriend needs you. You don't even have to do anything or buy anything. All you got to do is stand in her path right after she peeps in the window at her groom-to-be's bachelor party.

Jingo the midget in space #99 warns us all to steer clear of the mall Santa. Jingo says that Santa is a real asshole when he's drunk, which is basically 100 percent of the time. Plus, he reeks. And several customers have complained that he has a boner. We're probably all a lot better off just telling the Salvation Army parking lot Santas what we want for Christmas this year instead of sitting on the mall Santa's lap.

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