Due to an intoxicant shortage, this month's Helpful Hints are mostly dope-related. -- Ed.

Eddie in space #62 shares this time management technique for tweekers. Be sure to get at least four hours sleep per week. You know them spiders and bugs and tiny reptiles and whatnot you see when you really need to crash? Get less than four hours sleep in a week, and them imaginary critters actually start to BITE.

Arliss in space #62 says not only is Eddie right about you needing at least four hours sleep a week, but you can fall over wherever you're at whenever you need to. It don't matter if you're at a neighbor's house, the duckpond, or leaning against the grocery store window. If you just close your eyes and check out for about four hours, you can stay up another seven days.

Fatty Daddy in space #88 passed on this kitchen hint. You know them metal shrimp skewers with a loop of metal at one end and a sharp point at the other? Them things make totally primo bong pokers. You can get 'em four for a buck at the dollar store. This is much easier than farting around with a wire clothes hanger and a pair of needlenose pliers.

DJ the dope dealer reminds us all that thanks to that huge bust up the highway last month, things are totally dry right now, especially cannabis. There was a big load supposed to come in on a hay wagon, but it got intercepted at a Christmas Eve sobriety checkpoint. Plus, Speedy's meth lab over at Buzzards Trailertopia got shut down and decontaminated and all the dirt underneath of it got dug out and hauled to Mexico by men in moonsuits. So the go-fast ain't happening neither. Just be grateful for whatever bindle residue and roaches you got left for now. DJ will let us all know the second the dope sitch improves.

Welcome Wagon Willy wants to give all of us a shout out from the nuthatch. Willy has been saving half the psych meds they're feeding him like candy in there. Upon his release, Willy promises to place the aforementioned pills into a cigarette cellophane and keester it out of the hospital. So at least we got THAT coming.

Tod in space #8 says you can get a pretty good buzz off of Sterno. It don't take much, though, so be careful. Don't be doing Sterno shooters or nothing like that. Sterno is a sippin' drink.

The one and only non-dope-related hint was submitted by Maudine in space #37. Maudine tells how she cured her pooch of crotch-sniffing FOREVER, and it'll work on your dog, too. Grab the pepper shaker and put on a pair of jeans. Lay on your back and put your legs in the air in a V-shape. Sprinkle a whole bunch of pepper into the crotch of your jeans, and let some of it run down over the butt area. The next time your dog buries his nose between your legs will be the last time he ever pulls THAT on you or anyone else. EVER.

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