Old lady Beadle in space #17 shares her recipe for always-fresh panties. Just place a fabric softener sheet in your panties in the morning, and your panties will stay fresh for the whole day. If not, you can always replace the fabric softener sheet with a fresh one when you wear out the old one.

Maddog in space #91 says if your ignore your baby mama long enough, she'll quit hollering and crying and throwing rocks at your trailer and take your kid and go home already so you can finish watching the football game in peace.

Jingo the circus midget in space #99 swears up and down that nuthatch poontang is just as good (if not better) than trailerpark poontang.

Welcome Wagon Willy in space #38 tells us about a scam to supplement your income. All you need is a firesuit, firehat, goggles, and black boots. Stand outside a grocery store or strip mall wearing the firesuit, firehat, goggles, and one of the black boots. Hold the other black boot in your hands, and solicit money "for the firefighters." This works particularly well when the area where you live is actually on fire. When the boot is full, take it home.

Belinda in space #50 claims mayonnaise is the best hair conditioner. Judging by that mane of Belinda's she knows what she's talking about here, so y'all better take her hint seriously.

Timmy Radkin says a funny thing to holler when the bell rings at the end of class is, "Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings." Try it! It works!

Fatty Daddy offers his instructions for a great Halloween decoration that will slide right into Christmas. All you need is a pair of old jeans, a old flannel shirt, a wig, some boots, a shitload of Christmas lights, a stapler full of staples, and the Sunday paper. Pull the Sunday paper apart page by page and stuff it into the jeans and shirt until they look like two halfs of a person, then put the halfs together. Stuff a page or two of the paper into each boot, and insert the boots into the legs of the jeans. Staple the wig around the collar of the flannel shirt. By now you have a crude dummy. Hang the dummy upside-down from the gutter along the roof of your trailer. Hang the Christmas lights, and when you get to the dummy be sure to wind and twirl the lights all over the dummy. Voila! A decoration morbid enough for Halloween, yet festive enough for Christmas.

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