911 CALL TRANSCRIPT FROM INSIDE THE TRAILER PARK

Anil dialed 911 when he choked on that biscuit, but he dropped the phone before the 911 operator picked up. What got recorded weren't no conversation, just a bunch of stuff going on in the background.  Following is what was recorded from that 911 call.

911 OPERATOR:
911 Operator, what's your emergency?

ERNIE:
What the fuck? You okay, dude?

ANIL:
Aaak-aaak-huk-huk-huk--

ERNIE:
Dude! You're turning blue!

911 OPERATOR:
911 Operator.  Can you hear me?

ANIL:
Hhhh-hhhhh---hak-hak

ERNIE:
Where do you keep your first-aid manual? You got one, right?  I ain't done first aid on no one in a real long time, and I'm kinda rusty. Just point to the manual and I'm sure I can find it.

ANIL:
Hyoo-aaa-hoe-hyoo-aaaa-hoe-aaa-hoe--

ERNIE:
What, ain't you got no first-aid manual? No? Okay, I'll wing it. I think what you gotta do when someone chokes is put on a tourniquet.

911 OPERATOR:
Hello?  Anyone there?  911 Emergency.  Can you hear me?

ANIL:
HAK-AAK-AAK-URF-HYOO-AAA-HOE--

ERNIE:
Hold still!  How can I get this tourniquet around your neck and squeeze that biscuit out if you keep burying your neck in your shoulders like that?  C'mon Anil.  Get real.

911 OPERATOR:
Sir, if you can hear me, please do NOT put that tourniquet around the victim's neck!  For God's sake!  You'll kill him!

ERNIE:
Did you hear a beep-beep-buzz-buzzy noise coming from that cordless phone laying on the floor?

ANIL:
KAK-KAK-KAK--

ERNIE:
Oh, shit, man!  You ain't supposed to put a tourniquet around a person's neck!  It's supposed to go around a arm or a leg or something.  Hang on.  I'll get it on your leg--

ANIL:
hoof-hoof-hoof--

ERNIE:
How the fuck am I supposed to get this tourniquet on you if you keep a whomping and a whooping me with anything I try to put it on?  Lookie there.  I try to put it on your leg, and you kick me.  I try to tie it on your arm, and you punch me.  You're gonna have to mellow out or I won't be able to put this thing on you and stop the--

ANIL:
HYOO-AAA-HOE

ERNIE:
--bleeding.  Uh, wait.  You ain't bleeding.  You don't need no stinkin' tourniquet.  You need one of them Heismann maneuvers.  Hang on, let me get a hold of your middle.

ANIL:
HAK-KAK-KAK--

ERNIE:
You gotta lay off the pastries, Anil.  I can hardly get my arms around your midsection.

911 OPERATOR:
Excuse me?  Can anyone hear me?  This is the 911 Emergency Operator.

ERNIE:
Okay, gotcha.  Now stand up.

ANIL:
hak-kak--

ERNIE:
Anil, you gotta stand up.  I can't do a Heismann maneuver with you rolling on the floor like that.  There ya go.  Drag yourself up on the coffee table.  Okay, I gotcha around the middle.   Here goes-OOF!

ANIL:
Hak--

ERNIE:
Hang on, Anil.  OOF!

ANIL:
Aaak--

ERNIE:
Okay, Anil.  I'm gonna have to do that real hard and fast to get the biscuit outta your lungs, I guess.  Hang on, here goes-   OOF-OOF-OOF-OOF-OOF--

ANIL:
huk-huk-huk-huk-huk--

911 OPERATOR:
What's going on there?  Police and an ambulance are responding!  Can you hear me?

ERNIE:
OOF-OOF-OOF-OOF-OOF-OOF--

ANIL:
huk-huk-huk-huk-huk-huk--

911 OPERATOR:
I repeat, police and an ambulance are on the way!  Anybody there?  Hello?

ERNIE:
OOOOOOF!

ANIL:
PTOOOOOEY!

ERNIE:
Goddamn, dude, that was close.

ANIL:
HAAAAAH-HAAAAAH-HAAAAAAH, oh God, I can breathe.  Oh God.   HAAAH-HAAAAAH-HAAAAAH.

911 OPERATOR:
Is everything okay there?  Hello?  Can you hear me?

ERNIE:
Dude, the way you're breathing right now, you sound just like a obscene phone call.

ANIL:
You heathen!  What were you trying to do to me back there?  Don't you know God don't want men doing THAT to one another?

ERNIE:
What do you mean, dude?

ANIL:
Humping me!  You were right behind me, trying to hump me, and I was CHOKING!  Choking on a BISCUIT!  You asshole!  You PERVERTED ASSHOLE!

ERNIE:
No, man, no.  I was trying to give you a--

ANIL:
I don't want to hear it!  La-la-la-la-la-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi--

ERNIE:
You was choking on that biscuit!  You needed a Heismann maneuver!  Hey, what are you doing with that phone?

ANIL:
I'm a gonna whomp you with it.  Hold still.

[BANGING AND SCUFFLING NOISES]
[PHONE HANGS UP ABRUPTLY.  END OF RECORDING.]

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