911 CALL TRANSCRIPT FROM INSIDE THE TRAILER PARK

Darrell Feral dialed 911 after he had accidentally built a whole expando out of plywood onto Maddog Monson's trailer, but he didn't build a door and got stuck in there.  Following is what got recorded during Darrell's emergency call.

911 OPERATOR: 911 Operator, what's your emergency?

DARRELL: Help! I'm stuck!

911 OPERATOR: You're stuck? Where? How?

DARRELL:  I'm stuck in this expando thingie I built onto Maddog's trailer!

911 OPERATOR:  Repeat, please.

DARRELL:  Huh?

911 OPERATOR:  Where are you and HOW did you get stuck?

DARRELL:  Simple. Maddog Monson hired me to build a add-on out of plywood onto his trailer, and I did. I thought I remembered everything, shit, I even remembered to paint the space number on the big piece of plywood that faces the street right before I nailed that board up. But I forgot to build a door onto the expando. I can get out the sliding-glass door from the trailer into the expando, but I can't get outside! I need to get out of Maddog's trailer! I HAFTA get out of here before Maddog returns, or he'll kill me. Plus, I might suffocate 'cause there ain't no door.

911 OPERATOR:  Okay, let me get this straight. You basically nailed yourself shut inside a trailer? Someone else's trailer?

DARRELL:  Not just SOMEONE. Maddog Monson! Big hairy brute that stomped my ass flat a while back just for using his torch lighter! Well, that, and I boinked his girlfriend and then sent her home wearing nothing but one of my dirty T-shirts and skivvies--

911 OPERATOR: Sir, I have no idea what you're talking about.

DARRELL:  Maddog Monson! Got a rapsheet a mile long! Come on, you answer the 911 hotline, I KNOW you heard the name Maddog Monson before! It's spelled like this, M-A-D-D-O-G, and his last name is Monson. M-A-N-S-- uh, wait. M-O-N-- no, it ain't that. Yeah it is, M-O-N-S-- anyway this guy's a MONSTER and he's gonna rip off my head and shit down my neck if he comes home before you guys can--

[LOUD KNOCKING]

DARRELL:  That's him! Shit! It's too late! I'm dead, call the morgue.

911 OPERATOR:  Sir, are you in danger?

MADDOG:  [MUFFLED] Hey! What the fuck is THIS?

DARRELL:  [WHISPERING] Shhhh. Don't say nothing. Don't move.

911 OPERATOR:  Excuse me?

DARRELL:  [WHISPERING] Shh! He's peeping in the kitchen window right now!

MADDOG:  [MUFFLED] Darrell, you dick! Get your ass out here NOW and look what you done to my trailer! I see you hiding your scrawny little ass over there by the fridge! Don't make me rip this add-on apart, or YOU'RE gonna get tore apart NEXT!!

911 OPERATOR:  I heard that. Someone just made terrorist threats against you, sir.

DARRELL:  No shit.

MADDOG:  I'm gonna count backward from five. When I get to one, there better be a way for me to get into my trailer, and you better be outside. Five--

DARRELL:  He's gonna kill me! I didn't leave a door!

911 OPERATOR:  Beg pardon?

DARRELL:  A door! I didn't build no fucking door! Maddog hired me to build a add-on--

MADDOG:  Four!

DARRELL:  Fuck! I only got four seconds to produce a door!

MADDOG:  Three!

DARRELL:  He's gonna kill me. Send a ambulance.

911 OPERATOR:  Why don't you just open the door, sir? It seems the gentleman is just upset about being locked out of his own home.

MADDOG:  Two! One more second, motherfucker!

DARRELL: There ain't no door! I forgot to build one! I'm gonna go sandwich myself between Maddog's fridge and kitchen wall. Send help!

911 OPERATOR: I've got the address on the screen. What's the space number?

MADDOG:  ONE!

911 OPERATOR:  Space number one?

DARRELL:  No. Some guy who escaped from the loony bin lives up in number one. I'm in space 91. Painted in big black letters on the new add-on. Paint ain't even dried yet. I painted it not even a hour ago and--

[CRASHING SOUNDS]

MADDOG:  Ha! There you are! I see you all squeezed in behind the refrigerator! Get out here!

DARRELL:  No! It's safer here!

MADDOG:  Oh, yeah? How about NOW? Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngh--

DARRELL:  Aaaaaaagh! Maddog quit pushing the fridge! Aaaaaagh! Stop-it-stop-it-stop-it-STOP-IT! You're SQUASHING ME TO DEATH!

MADDOG: Okay then, how about THIS?

DARRELL:  No! Maddog! Aaaaaaaaagh! Aaaaaaaagh! No! BT made me do it! BT told me how to build a add-on! STOP IT! Aaaaaagh! Not by the hair! Not by the hair! AAAAAAGH!

MADDOG  Take THAT--

[IMPACT NOISES]

MADDOG:  And THAT--

[CRASHING SOUNDS]

DARRELL:  OOF!

MADDOG:  And THIS!

DARRELL:  No! Maddog! No, stop! STOP! Heeeeeeeelp!

911 OPERATOR:  Sir, are you all right?

[MULTIPLE IMPACT NOISES]
[BANGING AND CLANGING]

DARRELL:  Ouch! OOF! Stop it, Maddog! Aaaaagh! No, Maddog, no, not that. Oh, God, not that. Don't point that thing at me! No, no, no, no, please, no, take your finger off the trigger--

[SHOT FIRED]
[THUMP]

MADDOG:  That was just a warning shot. So's THIS.

[SHOT FIRED]
[THUMP]

911 OPERATOR:  Is someone SHOOTING at you, sir? Stand by, police are responding!

MADDOG: And this.

[SHOT FIRED]
[THUMP]

MADDOG:  But the next one AIN'T a warning shot. Stand up against that wall.

DARRELL:  No, Maddog. No, please. I'll rebuild your add-on. I'll put on a door and everything. Fancy double French doors. On my dime. I won't ask BT how to do it. Please, Maddog, not THAT.

MADDOG:  Darrell, I need you to put your back up against that wall real tight and set this Mason jar on top of your head.

DARRELL:  What for?

MADDOG:  Because you owe me for building this shitty add-on without no door, and with my space number scribbled in black paint on it. That's what for. I need target practice. Now get up against that wall and put that Mason jar on you head pronto.

DARRELL:  Like that?

911 OPERATOR:  Don't do it! He plans to SHOOT IT OFF OF YOUR HEAD!

MADDOG:  Yeah. Just like that.

[SHOT FIRED]
[BREAKING GLASS]

DARRELL:  Is there a nail-hole in my head, Maddog? Am I bleeding? Am I DEAD?

MADDOG:  No, you ain't dead. You would be if I wasn't such a great shot with a nail gun, though. And yeah, you ARE bleeding quite a bit.

DARRELL:  Got any band-aids?

MADDOG:  You need more than band-aids after that ass-whooping you got in the kitchen.

[SIRENS]

DARRELL:  Oh, shit, I forgot about calling 911. I called 911 from inside your trailer 'cause I was stuck in there and needed the Jaws of life to get me out and--

MADDOG:  No hard feelings, little dude. You paid the piper, and now you probably need a ambulance, anyways, judging from the looks of you.

911 OPERATOR:  Have the police and the fire department and an ambulance arrived? I think I hear sirens.

DARRELL: Oh, shit, I left the phone on.

[PHONE HANGS UP ABRUPTLY]
[END OF RECORDING]

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