Dear Editor:

I don't care what anyone says about it being a war between us and Buzzards. I know it's God who's behind all the brimstone and brimfruit and stuff like that that's been hitting us lately, and also who launched that flaming brimtire on Buzzards last month. Only the Good Lord would be able to make a ringer onto the steeple on top of Buzzards Bar like that, not a bunch of unemployed trailer park yokels. Besides, it's only the unholy who's got hit, anyways. MY trailer ain't been hit once, except by a couple of melons when the war first broke out. But God's aim has got better since then. He ain't hit my trailer with nothing since then, and -- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT NOISE?

Never mind.

Anil Roberts
Proselytizing goofball in space #73

Dear Editor:

A gigantic scorched rock fell out of the sky and crashed through my roof and decimated my whole living room. I was wondering if management would be responsible for the repairs. If not, I'll gladly pay for it. The racket made my little pooch start barking, and I'd know his bark anywhere! It turned out he was right next door all the time.

Virginia Beadle
Happily reunited with that yappy little dog of hers in  Space #17

Dear Editor:

I heard about a neato weapon we can build for the war with Buzzards. It's called a trebuchet. I got the instructions for how to build one off the library's Internet computer. A trebuchet is like a catapult, only with a booster. Can I be the first to ride in it? Don't worry about me falling on my head or nothing like that, since it won't kill me. I already fell on my head from real high up once, and I lived. Not only that, but I made some money on it.

Carl Bailey
Psych facility escapee and resident of space #1

HOME