Dear Editor:

Does anyone know where I can get hold of huge tranquilizer darts, like what you'd use on a elephant or a rhino? It was bad enough with that perverted dipshit across the street constantly showing up outside my trailer.

Now he's finally got a woman to take his mind off me, and now SHE won't leave me alone. That broad stalks me worse than Willy did. She's this ratty looking old bat who stands outside my trailer drunk and hollering all the time. I finally got fed up with it and got hold of my cousin Arnie the animal control officer. Arnie gave me a tranquilizer gun and a shitload of dog tranquilizer darts.

Only problem is, a dog dart knocks that chick out for about 15 minutes. I need something that'll work for at least a few hours.

Maudine Green
Space #37

Dear Editor:

Did you know you can scream yourself unconscious? For reals you can. I done it a whole bunch of times this month. There's this chick across the street who I know gots her eye on my Willy. Naturally, I go outside and holler at her trailer and tell her to keep her eyes and hands offa Willy if she knows what's good for her. Now, I don't know what happens, but I keep waking up on the ground outside that chick's trailer. I don't get but 15 to 20 seconds of good hollering in when everything just goes black and I wake up face-down in the dirt. I used to holler and scream and screech and squawk at Pop Feral all night and not pass out. I hope this don't mean I'm speeding toward menopause.

Ma Feral
Shacking Up with Welcome Wagon Willy in Space #38

Dear Editor:

What the Hell kind of remodeling is Tinbox Acres maintenance up to NOW? I just got my trailer all fixed up and remodeled, and now the driveway looks like Beirut. There's shrapnel and debris everywhere. It looks like some asshole went out there and decimated the driveway with dynamite. My car is stuck right outside my trailer and there's no way to get to my job because I can't drive it over all that shit. There's huge hunks of asphalt everywhere. I, for one, am NOT going to pay another month's space rent until that disaster outside is remedied. Who's coming with me?

Norm Archer
Rousing the Rabble in Space #81

Dear Editor:

Hey, it wasn't ME. I didn't do jackshit to that driveway. So all of you can take your pitchforks and flaming sticks and get the hell off my porch. I didn't have nothing to do with it. It ain't my fault, and I have no idea who could have exploded the driveway and took all our huge pointy speedbumps with it. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Edgar the Maintenance Guy
Space #2

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