Dear Editor:

You know, I never really got into religion all that much before now. It'd piss me off when Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons and whatnot would show up on my doorstep and drag me out of a drunken stupor to talk about Jesus. Well, you know what I found out? Religion ain't so bad when you get to BE Jesus. Being Jesus means you get to lay on some guy's couch all day long and watch cable TV while the guy waits on you hand and foot. I could get used to this.

Carl Bailey
Psych facility escapee, being slaved over by the religious goofball in space #73

Dear Editor:

Here's a wake-up call so you all can spend the holidays with your families instead of in the pokey. If you don't have a driver's license, then don't stop with the front end of your car hanging 20 feet over the limit line at stoplights. Use your blinkers when you turn. Don't tailgate or crash into cop cars. If you're on parole, don't carry your baggie of meth around in your right front pants pocket. And don't carry your meth pipe around in your left front pants pocket, either. At least have enough ingenuity to put that shit in your socks or shoes or underwear or something. Better yet, don't be running around with illegal shit on you in the first place. And don't beat up on your wife and kids. Nothing pisses off the cops quite like a violent felon brutalizing women and children.

The Cops
At the substation up the road

Dear Editor:

Oh, God, not again. Ever since Ma Feral got hauled to jail, old Willy's been smearing that stinky greasy hair tonic all over his head and showing up on my doorstep at all hours of the day and night, bringing me flowers and candy and cigarettes and booze. Well, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy for that Willy weirdo. I swear, next time he heads for my trailer, I'm gonna tranquilize him with a dog dart.

Maudine Green
Loading the tranquilizer gun in space #37

Dear Editor:

Take a wild guess where I am. C'mon, guess. Give up? I'm on the moon. No shit. I was riding that bouncy gizmo down by the duckpond, and having a blast. I guess I went too high too fast and didn't weigh enough to fall back to Earth or something. Now I'm stuck up here on the moon, trying to figure out how to get back to Tinbox Acres. You know what else? The moon is so far away, the Earth just looks like a big blue moon from where I'm at. I can't see my trailer from here. In fact, I can't even see Tinbox Acres from up here AT ALL.

Jingo the Circus Midget from space #99
Stranded on the Moon

Dear Editor:

Hey, I'm really embarrassed about bunging myself all up bouncing on that new gizmo in the big tree by the duckpond. If anybody asks, just tell them I got all wild and crazy and took a hairpin turn too fast and accidentally launched my truck out into space on the highway headed up the mountain. That'll generate a lot less questions than what REALLY happened to me in the tree with that giant Johnny Jump Up.

Fatty Daddy
Laid up in space #88

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