Dear Editor:

Everything hurts, even breathing. I got smashed flat by this huge monster who accused me of cheating on his old lady, if you can imagine that. I don't know who or what the fuck that huge hairy thing was, all I know is it beat the living shit out of me, tore me a few new orifices, and left me for dead in the driveway while it skulked away, grunting. Now I'm trapped on my couch looking like a car accident victim. You know, Beulah might tip the scales at over 400 pounds, but she's been waiting on me hand an foot. Good thing. I can't even wipe my own ass right now.

Welcome Wagon Willy
Laid up in space #38

Dear Editor:

Goddamn, what a ride. It even singed my body hair. That 300-mile-per-hour bellyflop was no picnic, neither. And those sick twisted bastards from the FBI or the KKK or the CIA or NASA or the ACLU or the ASPCA or the NAACP or PETA or whoever the fuck they were that crawled up my ass with a flashlight -- YIKES. What kind of a pervert wants to do THAT to a old retired circus midget? But I'm not going to think about that. I finally managed to get myself home to Tinbox Acres, so hey, it's all good.

Jingo the Incredible Flying Circus Midget from Outer Space
Back in space #99

Dear Editor:

I don't care how much the whole trailer park laughs at us. Carl and me is in love with one another. And we're planning on getting married, too. It don't matter if Pop Feral gets all pissed and does the same thing to Carl that he done to Willy. Carl is crazy about me and he ain't afraid of that hairy sasquatch of a soon-to-be-ex-husband of mine.

Ma Feral
Shacking up with the psych facility escapee in space #1

Dear Editor:

What's all this shit I hear about some bigfoot beast or abominable snowman or something gonna whip my ass? And you all say I'm the one what's nuts. You're all nuts. There ain't no such a thing as a abominable snowman. If there was one, I can't imagine it showing up in a shitbag trailer park out in the middle of nowhere. I might be crazy as a shithouse rat, but I ain't stupid.

Carl Bailey
Shacked up in space #1 with the estranged wife of a sasquatch

Dear Editor:

I found Willy! But now I'm not sure I want him no more. He looks like he got in a car wreck, all bumped and bruised and black and blue and purple and downright fucking fuschia all over. In addition, I hafta wait on him hand and foot, and he's in no shape to go rolling in the hay right now. There's this big, handsome guy who I know has eyes for me. Unlike Willy, this guy ain't cheated on me yet, neither. They say if you truly love something, set it free. So I'm gonna prove my love to Willy and set him free right now. As of this second, that selfish motherfucker is gonna be wiping his own ass. And I'm gonna go check this guy out. He seems to be worth a look-see.

Beulah Radkin
Space #47

HOME