Dear Editor:

I can't believe I blew up my trailer. You know, I should sue the Bic Corporation. It was the lighter's fault, not the fact that I had organic solvents and cold medications and other volatile shit bubbling all over the stove when I lit that cigarette. I'd still have eyebrows if it weren't for that faulty lighter. I need a attorney.

One good thing did come out of this whole fiasco with my trailer exploding and all. Nobody has to do without their shit, because I heard DJ is all set to be released on April 1. I'll make sure our dealer hooks him up soon as he's out, 'kay?

Speedy
Buzzards Trailertopia

Dear Editor:

Oh, my boyfriend finally came back! He came crawling back home and passed out on the porch like a poor, faithful, injured dog. I don't know where he was, but it looks like he got dragged a real long ways. That's okay. It's just good to have Carl back home with me.

Ma Feral
Space #1

Dear Editor:

Beebeebeebee pffffffftht aaaahr-aaaaahr-aaaaaahr eeek-eeeek-oook-oook-aaaah-aaaah doo-dee doo-dah-dum unnnngh hahahahaha BLAM BLAM BLAM ssssssssssss AAAAA-OOOO-GAH mmmph ...

Carl Bailey, psych facility escapee
Laying on his couch, being waited on hand and foot by Ma Feral

Dear Editor:

What the fuck is wrong with you assholes? Wait, maybe that's why you're called "Trailer Trash." I was just doing my job, driving a streetsweeper, when I got sent to a new account out alongside the highway. Nothing unusual there. But then I get to the new account, and some huge hairy ape runs out of a trailer with a baseball bat and beats the shit out of me for no apparent reason.

Then on my way back to the yard, I get pulled over and I don't remember a whole lot after that, except I know I had a run-in with the cops, and I remember pissing in a cup. And I remember the way my wife scowled at me when I walked out of that jail.

You know what? I'm NEVER coming back to Tinbox Acres. EVER. You can beg and plead. You can say, "Oh, please, please get all this nasty dirt out of our driveway." You know what I'd say to that? Fuck you. Fuck you and your trailer and all that uglyass shit sitting around outside your trailer. Yeah, that's right. You knuckleheads are back to dealing with leafblowers and garden hoses.

The Streetsweeper Dude
Awaiting Trial

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