Dear Editor:

Hey, could somebody come to the hospital and pick me up? I get to go home now because the state will only pay for hospitalization for so long--two months or so--then you either have to die or go home. I don't wanna die. I wanna go home. Just pull up to the main entrance to the hospital. You can't miss me. I'll be waiting.

Andy in space #91
Sitting in a wheelchair in a body cast outside the county hospital

Dear Editor:

I hope all's fine on the home front. I'd like to thank you all right now for keeping a eye on my trailer for me while I been gone visiting family. I expect to be back around mid-August, if anyone asks.

Wow, my ex-son-in-law sure got hisself a nice piece of property here in the hills overlooking Los Angeles. It's a nonstop party 24-7 here at Neverland. Priscilla and Lisa Marie spent last weekend out here with me. Did you all know I got me a couple of teenage grandkids? Well, I do. A boy and a girl. Them kids are musically inclined, too, just like their old grandpappy. I'm proud of 'em all. All of 'em except that newfangled Willy Wonka-looking critter that's my ex-son-in-law, that is. He's a mite creepy, and I swear he leers at little boys. Thank God Ben's too old for him, that's all I gotta say.

Elvis in space #54
Still on vacation

Dear Editor:

I heard there's a recently widowed woman up there in space #8. You think she'll appreciate this carton of cigarettes and box of Russell Stover candies? I hope so.

I had to fill the whole trunk and back seat and front passenger floorboard with beer cans, then coax that barely running old beater of mine to the recycling place to get enough money for the candy and cigarettes. I got me enough jing left over to spend on either condoms or a cheap grocery-store bouquet of wildflowers and I ain't decided which one I'll spend it on yet. Condoms don't grow on trees but flowers do, so I'll probably buy condoms and just go pick her a handful of wildflowers by the duckpond.

I got me a secret weapon for this mission--catnip spray. Dot seems to like anyone her cats do, so I'm gonna spray that catnip stuff all over me before I head to her trailer with the flowers, candy, and cigarettes. The condoms will remain stashed in my wallet until I need one.

Welcome Wagon Willy in space #38
Making his move

Dear Editor:

Chivalry is NOT dead. Why, Welcome Wagon Willy just showed up to my doorstep with a armload of flowers, a carton of cigarettes in my brand--generic 100s--and a box of expensive candies. Now, ain't that nice? The cats seem to like him a whole bunch, too. They're climbing all over Willy and purring like crazy. I think I'll cook him a candlelight dinner and rent a video.

Dot the widow-woman with all them cats
Space #8

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