Dear Editor:

Why is everyone all fired up about Willy dumping Dot and hooking up with me? Willy said he and Dot ain't been a real couple in months, and that Dot pays more attention to her cats than she ever paid to him. I'm surprised them two didn't break up long before I came along.

Belinda Jameson
Space #50

Dear Editor:

Due to the wreck between my scooter and Edgar the maintenance guy's golf cart, I've been riding a bicycle for transportation. You know what? I get stopped by the cops a lot more on that bike than I ever did on that scooter.

I only had a ittybitty rock of meth in my coin pocket when I got stopped. I also had my meth pipe and lighter in my pants pocket. That was enough for the cops to detain me. I been listening, and it don't sound like they're about to release me on OR anytime soon. So could someone come to the main jail downtown and bail me out?

Carl Bailey, psych facility escapee
Space #1

Dear Editor:

Has anyone seen Carl? It ain't like him to be late for supper.

Ma Feral-Bailey
Space #1

Dear Editor:

The main reason cops stop adults on bicycles is because any adult on a bike probably spent all his money on something else, like meth, instead of buying a car.

This is evidenced by the fact that bicycle-riding adults tend to ride piss-drunk on the wrong side of the road at night with no headlight or rear reflector. And when I check the front pocket of any adult on a bicycle, eight out of ten times I'll find a meth pipe and lighter in the right front pants pocket, and a tiny baggie of meth in the coin pocket.

Officer Frindlee
Downtown police station

Dear Editor:

I just thought of a great way to look up a whole bunch of women's skirts at once, and I'm dying to try it out. I just need two things--miniature SCUBA gear and a ride to the nearest glass-bottomed boat ride.

Jingo the perverted circus midget
Space #99

HOME