1. How has the cost of gasoline affected you personally? For the first time EVER, I'm glad I never got my driver's license It makes me far less apt to go out and get that old beater up on blocks running again A tankful of gas now costs more than the Kelly Blue Book value of my vehicle It emptied my bank account As an oil corporation stockholder, it enables me to roll around naked in a mountain of hundred-dollar bills
2. What would you do for a Klondike bar? Dogpaddle in raw sewage wearing only a thong and pasties Rip all the carpeting out of my house and replace it with Astro-Turf Boink a polar bear Move into a tiny trailer with rabid in-laws Bellyflop off the high dive
3. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Chicken Egg Fuzzy yellow baby chick Some kind of pre-chicken Dinosaur
4. What is red and green, and goes up and down and around and around at about a million miles an hour? A frog in a blender The living room during holiday benders An apple tree in a tornado A Christmas elf in a shitkicker bar, riding a mechanical bull set to full blast A Portuguese flag affixed to a vehicle antenna on the freeway
5. Fill in the blank: Blast from the _____________________. past ass blowtorch furnace firework powder I dug out of all them illegal Mexican fireworks
6. Fill in another blank: More than a mouthful is a ___________. waste fistful faceful job for silverware mess on your shirt
7. Do you understand your rights? Yes No Read them to me again That sounds like a trick question I choose to waive my rights in a loud, slurred voice
8. Pick: Drop-dead gorgeous psycho nut-bitch Homely but stable
9. What is your primary source of income? Paycheck Crazy money from the government Welfare Can recycling machine in grocery store parking lot Holding a sign on a traffic island all day
10. What's on the agenda for the holidays? Have the family over Knock-down drag-out drunken family brawl Give the cops something to do Give the fire department something to extinguish Get out of town before that buckwild family of yours shows up and attracts every emergency vehicle in the county
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