What kind of sins did all of you commit to cause God to throw a lightning bolt at the trailer park? What? Management shudders to think of what went on in there last month. All we know is the trailer park got hit with a lightning bolt hard enough to take the power out for a week.

Well, at least a bunch of you imbeciles did something moral last month when you got married. Sure, it was a was a hippie-style mass wedding, but it's that many less couples shacking up together on Tinbox Acres property.

Management realizes that we probably ought not focus on what our tenants are doing behind closed doors with each other. Further, we realize there are far worse sins being committed on Tinbox Acres property, like sales of controlled substances, stalking, battery, and even an alcoholic middle schooler. But criticizing the sex lives of illiterates is easier than facing our own impotence. We're sure you all understand. Maybe not.

Management does not want to talk about white-collar personal problems anymore. Let's shift the focus back onto you dipshits, shall we?

What's all this bad noise we've been hearing about a dead Christmas elf? This had better not be true, and if it is true, you trailerpark inhabitants had better not have had anything to do with it. Wait, if there's a dead Christmas elf laying around somewhere, who else could be responsible? It had to be trailerpark inhabitants.

The rumor about the dead Christmas elf must just be a tall tale, then. It's not like a dead elf can just come raining down out of the sky, right? No, of course not.

And what's all this we hear about folks riding the rapids on innertubes down the driveway? That had better not be true. How did you cause a raging river in the driveway? Did you all turn your hoses on at once? Management pays for water in the trailer park, so we would appreciate it if you didn't waste our money like that.

Let's all try to stay out of trouble for the holidays, shall we? Don't go attracting emergency vehicles into the trailer park. You want to spend the holidays with your family, not rotting in a jail cell. Remember that before you do anything foolish.

Thank you, and God bless you all in advance for your cooperation.

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